QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Passing

QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you how to evolve. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. Times are changing man. I am pretty sure that these new age quarterbacks grew up watching the NBA, instead of the NFL. I had this friend one time who played with me at NC State, on the football team, and he told me that he liked basketball better. It just bothered me so much. I just fucking hate basketball. I was so irritated.  He would play pickup games at the rec in the off-season, and ask me if I wanted to play. No I don’t want to fucking pretend to wipe the bottoms of my shoes off with my hands because the court is not slippery, I just can’t fucking shoot a basketball, so I am hoping this works and looks cool, game of pickup with kids at the university who are just fucking regular students in debt to banks. The -$250 thousand dollar lawyer. Man you are so fucking smart. I have a full scholarship Nebraska now regrets giving me based off my twitter videos. No debt. 0. Fuck you. Wipe your hands off using the bottom of your shoes. Instead of a quarterback towel. I didn’t just come from the Men’s bathroom where guys piss all over the walls and floors and my shoes stepped in that, and now its on my hands. Buts its the middle of the game, and I will shower later. As my step dad takes a bite of his slice of pizza without washing his hands after changing the oil on his durango. Maybe ill just put some ear wax on my finger tip, and see if she burns. Ouch I forgot that cleats have spikes. Speaking of hands. You know why people don’t go play catch more often. Because people can’t fucking throw and catch. Ask someone at the family BBQ to catch. Almost all of them will say no. Except for one guy and its not fun because he gives up throwing after a few minutes and tries punting the fucking ball back to you. And when the punt hits the ground it bounces 20 more yards away. So you just fucking wave him off, and go tell your wife that life fucking sucks now. I just fucking go to family bbq’s and no one can fucking catch, or do shit. I am the only fucking star here. God dammit I should have just fucking not been a jerk in college, and learned that its okay to be Josh McCown, and pretend to want to help the starter, and not hope he dies, bounce from camp to 1 bedroom apartment with a special teams player, to camp, so you can keep playing, but lets keep him on the team for $4M dollars because Dan Orvlosky says an NFL front office should hire him immediately. Check his Linked In. He is 30 but it says 7 years of NFL backup quarterback, and almost 0 management experience. Did you see how many times Sam Darnold lost a game where he was the backup? Major potential. That Tony Romo in the booth, man. Real insights into the game of life. Got out with his health in tact. Played average just long enough to fuck up and not marry Jessica Simpson who is actually a billionaire now due to her body creams. Who is the better illuminati handler – her dad Joe, or Britney Spears dad? Dead serious. Major mistake Tony. Get your mind off things. Go shoot hoops at the gym. No, there isn’t an indoor football field to throw (right, because you’re a quarterback and love throwing), no I love golf and basketball and all kinds of things and that is why I never became quite the elite quarterback), but there is a basketball court. Because anyone can play basketball. Its the alegebra of math. Its a Walmart for fat-letes. Basketball is the fast food of sports. Every athlete in the McDonalds all-american game is on the recruiting dollar menu. Everyone who plays the game is typically poor and grew up eating it for dinner, or working there. 5 dollars at Mickie D’s  after playing an AAU game as a kid before committing full time to football, and being 6 feet tall, will get you, a undersized quarterback in the shotgun, with a Drew-is-a Lock-to-lose-this-game record, Greg Paulus gets an extra failed year at Syracuse, wasted pick in the NFL draft, and sitting through a shitty pickup game Matthew Brodrick invited the cable guy too, son to watch. There are no Asian quarterbacks, but in Basketball you have Jeremy Lin. Because of Obama. The NCAA tournament bracket of Presidents. Continuing the tradition of everyone thinking they should be able to join any pickup game they want in America. Steve Young says that, playing quarterback is harder than learning a Dillinger Escape Plan song on the guitar. I don’t know. You get the point.This fucking kid said he liked basketball. I got mad and just started getting diarreah of the mouth. The blasphemy of playing football, and saying you like fucking basketball.  My idol growing up was Brett Favre.  This quarterback would have to drop back in the middle of a fist fight, with an arm that requires a fucking surgeon generals warning. With the flick of his wrist he could like a basketball players cigarette outside a 711 where they work as a cashier. He would shred your fucking turkey ass up, turn you into a fucking sandwich and eat your moms ass. Ew I don’t eat ass. Some kid told me that too. I just don’t eat girls out. Not my thing. Dude how much does your wife fucking hate you. Wow.  No man, I am like Nicolas Cage in 8mm, and rate & review high school quarterbacks like the game they played in was just a 2 hour uber drive to the airport in morning traffic. Hm some great jokes, i mean throws, but gets on and off the highway too much. Needs to concentrate on the road more. I saw him liking a tweet while driving of Greg Mcleroy pretending to fight Danny Kannel, but they were just kidding he is a Rhodes scholar. We didn’t crash, but you still shouldn’t text while driving autonomous vehicles that promised we could watch netflix on the way to work keep failing, but we keep approving for funding, because while the government celebrates creating jobs, and we really just want the Georgia Guidestones to tell us that the perfect population is 500,000, and that means eliminating all front line level workers on earth, and if darwinism is correct, these people who can’t afford to live anymore will either turn into the new class of elected house officials, like that bartender Ocasia Cortez, or simply disappear slowly in small groups at a time like the city of Atlantis engaging under seas wars no one gives a fuck about because the explosions make great brain waves for the boogie board in Josh Rosens conscience. I didn’t realize Amber Heard paused Gone Girling billionaires to be nominated for a golden globe for that movie Aquaman. Turns out she is better to look at than the visual effects in the movie, right man, right. No fucking nomination for you. Protecting our seas man from underwater Putin. Save the coast & their guards man. Give them money even though the government is shutdown because Trump is a great President. That is the way the double doink bounces. Some will be play quarterback like its the NBA.  Because now, now we have fucking Kevin Durant at Quarterback. Randall Cunningham was solid in that foggy game verse the Bears, but now he is just a $250 throwback jersey they order with their scholarship check. Real stitching and everything. It really started with all the Allen Iverson high school clips released online when people found out he went to the same high school as Mike Vick. Man I only wear one glove on my non-throwing hand Ronald Curry too. Newport News, Virginia. The home of the best quarterbacks turned wide receivers in America. It use to be cool for you to see Dan Marino tell his lineman- lets score some fucking points. Mean as a god damn snake. His fucking eyes CERN portals to see you in hell motherfucker. Chief Executives on the field making decisive P & L decisions. Yeah fucking fire the bottom 10 percent. Get them the fuck out of here after 1 season of development any qb not taken in the first round. Fucking can’t throw, can’t catch shit. Come out of your routes you tipping toeing mother fucker. You’re fucking out of here. Dan Fouts told Kellen Winslow. Kellen was like – yeah we would go at it. Insinuating that this was a mutual conversation. No this wasn’t Dan Fouts calling a fucking ducks game out in Oregon for the Pac 12 network. This was come out of your fucking breaks right fucking now. To your face. MFIC. Mother Fucker in Charge. Now you got a bunch of Warrick Dunn bought my mom’s house, and used Andrew Lucks degree in architecture to renovate it, quarterbacks in the league. I mean my dad died when I was 7, and I just raised my family like I was the fucking man cub in Jungle book. I didn’t day dream about what it would be like for Superman to be my fucking dad. Because every single one of them, pulls their sternum open like they have a S on their chest, for fucking SUCK. I fucking SUCK, and make T-Shirts now for my quarterback camps I run near the college I use to play at. Here is one I am wearing. Here is the proof. On the hidden AJ Mcarron bear tattoo on my chest that you can see when you google pictures of me jet skiing on spring break from college, the internet won’t delete. Google it. Hey check out the black wedding band I wear on my left hand during the game for no reason, so everyone watching at home on Fox clearly understands that I am a married, and god fearing, christian man. Derek, we need you to worship Satan like Christian Bale. That is why we kicked Tebow out of the NFL for kneeling remember. Cause Its no longer about fourth quarter comebacks. Because that would require only 1 game with 4 quarters to win, and nothing more. Now its a comeback season with Johnny Manziel. And all these dual quarterbacks wear the number 2 now too. Get it. Because they do two things. Start and lose.  Now they think they have 7 games for their Steph Curry with the pop shot to start working in the NBA finals. Coach, don’t worry I am going to come in tomorrow after we lose this game, and just shoot free throws at 6am, a 1,000 of them like Kobes failed sports drink sells 10/10.00 at Krogers. Just buy 10 of them. Please. Seriously I invested in this drink and its not going well at all. Buy fucking 10 of them. Its called Body Armour, but its a juice not a flexible shirt. I didn’t realize I would have to compete with all the corporate sponsors and the monopoly that Gatorade has in every single major sporting market on the planet. Doug Baldwin promises that Gatorade doesn’t want to play us next season, because we just lost this season, and so no one can play us, this season anymore. Coach, my arm is sore because when I am not at practice I go on youtube chris brown videos, I fucking was dabbing all fucking weekend, and my elbow is sore, but just put the relief pitcher in, cause he have 7 games to win the World Series, I think I can go tomorrow, Deshaun we have 1 fucking game, and I need you to go tonight, Okay Tribuski, if you are going to fucking play then fucking play. Nagy told Pam at halftime. Here is another turning point in the history of athletes.  Instead of Tiger Woods just telling the press, fuck yeah I made her drink my cum from a martini glass. And smiling because he is a multi-million dollar athlete, and fuck off bro. I get to live one fucking life. I make fucking millions playing golf, and fucking get pussy all the time. Broke dick cigarette addicted, living in moms fucking basement, driving canceled credit cards, don’t fucking make anymore, ford sedans driving ass reporter. We make huge fucking trucks now we sell in the Cowboys stadium, and for guys to fucking pay $100 to fill their gas tank, and it takes 10 minutes to park in a fucking traditional spot in those small parking spaces in the parking garage at the mall so we have to park way out by Dillards and walk in. But babe I swear I have a huge fucking dick, and they are not using a CAT lift to build an apartment complex next door when I leave for work in the morning. And that Nick Foles will be in the hall of fame if he wins the Super Bowl again even though most people wouldn’t admit it like other two time winners like Eli Manning, John Elway. He guys. Puts his food tray down at their table. Steve Young sits there. Not anymore mother fuckers. I got 2. His quarterback schizophrenia has 1. Tiger Woods would have been at the Brady, Montana table if he just double downed like Trump. Yeah I fucked those porn stars. I fucking Airbnb the Brazzers house on the regular. They have a special celebrity version of Airbnb. Go on that bitch, and you can rent a Rothlischild mansion and host a fucking Eyes Wide Shut party they will get some un-documented illegals to clean up because they don’t have social security numbers, and no one knows they are in the country, and therefore they basically make the best non-disclosure agreement workers of all fucking time, and that’s  only part of the reason I don’t want to fund this border wall for Trump. Cause of the free undocumented labor we use for illumanti rituals at the Bohemian Grove. That and last time someone gave him money he built this huge fucking tower in the middle of the Jews in Manhattan like when someone conquers land, and they jab a spear in the ground, or a a baker mayfield Oklahoma flag. Baker, they are going to lose to IOWA too. Its not really that big of a deal to beat them. Everyone who use to live here, for some reason, history books in middle school only read like there were 5,000 of you, because there are now 350 million people in American, and in 200 years that escalated fucking quickly. We made sure to bring small pox, to speed up the process of taking over your land, the same way internationalist bankers give people flu shots to help make sure they watch the news happen while doing nothing to stop it.  Someone get Jim Acosta the fuck out of here. Living vicariously through writing about all the awesome things my dick has done to Melania. The hottest wife out of all Presidents, which means I must be fucking good at something. Like winning this playoff game. Coach, we got 6 more games to win the Super Bowl. I am going to get the $10,000 month car payment on my MayBach that someone actually rented me for this music video, realigned, tuned up before next game. Were gonna be sipping champagne with Lebron headed to the Lakers game with a fake injury that we are telling the fans because Lebron thinks he should get nights off. Coach, I just went into ADP and I added 8 hours of personal time. Can you approve? I need the game to film a segment in the barber shop where I invite on average one white person who always looks confused if he is allowed to say the N word or not, so I won’t, but ill tell you what, Fuck Trump, we need aliens to bring the world together. An existential threat. Hahaha man Jon is so fucking funny, man fucking Aliens. Glad we got you for the show, instead of Bill Maher. But probably wouldn’t have made a difference joke wise. Maybe you’re a little less cynical. Aliens, The ones that Tom Delonge wrote Blink 182 songs about and everyone thought it was just part of their teenage angst, but he was dead serious, reading Area 51 books in the back of his van, and writing songs about fucking aliens, and now no one has seen him in 2 years. Give or take a Joe Rogan podcast appearance. Is he dead? and if so, what does that mean for Kanye? Is this his last stop. Some guy on a plane. Dead serious. Told me that the Area 51 crash in the fifties was the Russians putting two kids dressed up as aliens into a flying saucer beer in Raleigh to crash to throw American’s into a frenzy. I think we are finding out with the government shutdown that we don’t even really need the government. Because they are fucking sitting around in meetings, and someone raises their heads. Lets dress some fucking kids up as aliens for Halloween and crash them into the arizona desert. It’ll be like 70 years straight of them doing National Geographic documentaries about Aliens. Fuck yeah Greg, Fuck yeah. Hell fucking yeah.  Guys I know we are down 21-0 in the first quarter, and every time I run for a first down, it is like I am charging the rim for a dunk. Guys lets meet by sideline so coach can draw up a play on his white board. You get under the rim. You kick out to the perimeter. Deshaun, what the fuck are you talking about? What is the fucking protection. Okay, you pick and you roll. Deshaun! No Jeff Saturday, you shut the fuck up and stop tweeting that the offensive line is the real fucking skill position. You fucking listen to me. Just snap me the fucking ball. I know the NFL is all about hand placement. But keep your fucking hands in your armpits, and mirror Khalil Mack’s chest with your chest, maybe a knee near his groin or waste. Make him run around you, or foul. He will probably just push you back on a wet field like Micheal Oher in that Trey Wingo tweet to show how bad tonight’s National Title field will be. Considering both teams are from the south, and why the fuck is it in San Francisco? And by that time you get to the game via airplane and rental car costs, I will post up, and hit the three from way outside. Deshaun, a field goal? We need to score 7 points here, and and also on 3 more drives. I got this Kyrie. Who you guys going to believe? Me or the fucking guy on the team who believes the earth is flat. How are you going to be a world wide phenomenon if the world is flat. Bill, um, Coach O’Brien I think Deshaun is fucking losing it out there. Its his first time in the playoffs, and hes been telling all his friends and family that Clemson was going to win all week in person, and on twitter. Even though he doesn’t play there anymore. Plus, the sugar high adrenaline from the Migos songs he listened to on his beats headphones pre-game used up all his serotonin and dopamine, during pre-game, and has him feeling like he drank a cup of coffee but its 5pm at night, and why wont this fucking coffee just fucking go away. Its like I have energy, but its false energy, like when I smoke weed and try to stop feeling lethargic with a five hour energy, but now I just feel awake, and I am actually tired, but I just can’t get into REM sleep because my body, mind and soul are all disconnected like when I can’t connect the blue tooth in the airport rental car, and I am not going to fucking drive anywhere until my phone plays on this fucking car’s radio, even it takes all fucking day, yes I am in fucking park, god damn, deletes all previous phones, done, fucking sync all my contacts, yes, okay your phone is now connected. Fuck my phone phone is low on battery. Plugs it in. Now the blue tooth is disconnected, and I am on USB, and its saying I have to use Nissan Android App, and it won’t work while driving because it is trying to protect me from crashing. Tries to put car in park at red light to hurry up and fix. Light turns green. Fuck it. Bro. Fuck it. Fuck this shit. Drives to Hotel. Sets it up in the Hotel Parking Lot. Gets out and goes inside and doesn’t even fucking need it anymore. Fuck coffee, tries to take a Tylenol PM just to fucking relax and watch some fucking TV, and my fucking brain is telling me to fucking email someone. Better pour some vodka. Put this fucking race horse down. I am going to call this drink cracked hoof. One fucking sip and you’ll never race again. Guys, we are going to win this fucking game. Just relax. Think of it this way, its like being down 0-3 against the Warriors and Lebron losing a lot in the championship and some people in the NBA never lost a championship, and actually have like 9 or 10 rings, but calling himself the greatest pawn in democratic history. Lebron, look man, we are racking up a ton of expenses flying you to hollywood from Cleveland every other week for your cloning center tune ups. So we are just going to put you on the Lakers. Just beware. Everyone in Cleveland has a blue collar job like construction or steel, or coal. But everyone in LA works for Lisa Vanderpump as a waitress, and also sells protein packets on Instagram stories. But now they have to confirm its an ad by the part where it shows their location. So its a little different. Than Prince Alwaleed just owning the majority shares of twitter. There is a good chance you can be NBA sixth man of the year one season, and addicted to Crack the next, telling Life & Style magazine, that instead of investing in a bunch of Starbucks with Magic Johnson like Shaq forgot to do, you are going to write a tell all confession on the Kardashians.  Also, Ryan Seacrest is your new handler, and is going to send you an text every morning at 4am to tell you exactly what to edit in your tweet. That will help us create further division within the black communities that Candance Owens seems to be doing a nice job of converting to Republican. Yeah, just make sure you do it. You ever seen Lindsay Lohan Beach Club on MTV. Or Terrance J from E Network who started out with a promising future, but now hosts Real World challenge, and looks like he drinks a lot. They didn’t participate in our Moca Gala spirit cooking ceremonies with Marina Abrohomic. You get the picture. Lebron. This is the last 2-3 years of your career in a nutshell. Coach, we are going to win this game tonight. I don’t want to end up like Allen Hurns, break my ankle and I can’t go to Rome with the Michigan Wolverines in the off-season. Plus I showed up in a funny hat with a bird feather in it. And say things like Touche my Lord. Thats a feather in your cap. When they catch passes from me in practice. I am articulate. Yeah Cam just comes up in here and we design fucking hats together. Its his passion. Football is just the vehicle that gets him to work. Hell watch like Indiana Jones on Netflix in the quarterback room, and just come in here and be like I want a Larry Fedora. New age players wear glasses even though their vision is perfectly fine. Von Miller wants us to think in between using instagram as tinder in Mexico, he was a deacon like Reggie White in the 90’s. Dear lord, please stop making Brett drink bloody Marys and lying to Paul Hornung on his radio show that he is sober. The James Caan of defensive ends. I mean Louis Farrakan. I mean, just rub black paint all over your face like John Randle. He will stop Brett from drinking a couple times a game, but not after it. But definitely still beating his stalker Matt Hassleback. The only QB in history to wear black eye strips. Even on night games, and in Super Bowl losses because Holmgrem made the refs mad in the first quarter so they basically called every penalty for the rest of the night on the seahawks, and Mike regrets that. Is this game too big for you guys? Let me see through big fucking glasses on my Walrus face. Lots of glass wearers in the NFL for some reason. Eat your fucking carrots. Look, Some people go see their doctor, and lie to them for a new prescription of adderall. Yeah man I always forget my fucking car keys. Yeah my wallet too. Didn’t feed my dog yesterday. Well actually we can write you a prescription for concerta. No, what? Fuck no. God dammit, umm let me see. Oh yeah, I forgot this was the NFL, not the NBA. Sorry I cant get that sneaker noise out of my fucking head when NBA players run on the court during a transition. Look, I need these fucking glasses. Okay. I have to record Monday Night Football player introductions tomorrow with Suzy Kolber. I have matured. I see the world differently now. You better write fucking down right now that I have bad vision and need to wear glasses, and then pick me out a fucking perfect pair of Malcom X, Revenge of the Nerd, Superman glasses. To go with the S on my chest. So the Ravens can wear purge masks into the lockeroom on ESPN, and get their ass kicked by Chargers. Kanye tweets out, man democrats been trying to get us wear glasses for centuries, and I have dragon vision. So do I. Great perfect vision ye. But I did that when I was 15 to my doctor for both adderall, and at Lens Crafters. Asked them for glasses too. I think its a thing. So I don’t know. I thought I was the singer from Weezer for a few weeks. Pink Triangles man. Hurt my fucking eyes. Tried contacts too. Burned from the sweat condensation my helmet causes, and in conjunction with the gel in my hair. That is why I stopped using gel.  Anyways. Life is a huge pickup basketball game. Look the 3rd and long of all this is that you can’t run from your problems. You should pass them off to someone else to deal with. Like Aaron Rogers did to Mike McCarthy. And Kirby Smart did to Tate Martell.

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QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Viagra

QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about viagra. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. Leaving an interview John Elway turns to his assistant. Hey you got a Viagra. John, its 2pm on a Thursday. We still have to hire Marvin Lewis, and trade for Eli Manning. Yeah but I don’t know if I will ever be able to get my dick hard again after that interview with Zac Taylor. Holy shit — I asked him to explain football in Canada. And he told me a story about the ball being bigger than he thought. And he immediately knew he couldn’t play there. And I just stared at him. Because I knew that Gary Kubiak being his offensive coordinator after winning a Super Bowl with the Broncos literally just 3 years ago, but then now reporting to a 35 year novice, would basically result in a minimum of 6 games, before a coup occurred, Zac was fired on National Television, and the Nebraska fans realized that Scott Frost couldn’t coach either, but lets try to hire Zac, because maybe he more suited for college, further perpetuating the downward spiral that is the Cornhuskers. When literally all you have to fucking do. All you have to do is hire Paul Johnson. And Re-Install the fucking Triple Option. That is it. And you will be in the national title within 3 years. And probably win 4-5-6 of them because everyone runs the spread offense now, and is little, and all the lineman are the size of tight ends so they can pull and trap, and stretch, and sweep sweep, and so if you literally just recruit monster lineman, and run the ball 45 times a game, you will be Alabama and win 6 fucking national titles. The formula is so god damn fucking easy. Literally in life. Okay in fucking life. Whenever you see a group of people doing the same thing. You do the fucking opposite. And you will race to the front of the fucking line. And be high as shit in Las Vegas on gummies, watching a guy yell at the cash register lady about having the wrong passes for the buffett and can I still get in, and then you happen to be next in line, pleasantly calm and tranquil, and say hey look I don’t even stay at this hotel, but its just me, 1 person, and ill be here max 30 minutes, can I please just not wait in that line of 300 people, and pay to go in, ill tip you, and she smiles and says well since that last guy was such a jerk, and you are so nice, yes I will let you go in, and then you pay and go in, eat 5-6 fucking plates of lobster bisque, crab legs, mac and cheese, chicken wings, little fucking macaroons caramel, cookies and cream ice cream, in pure fucking silence and matrimony. Until you can’t fucking walk back through the lobby to your uber to go back to room.  Zero fucking star power. I bet Zac only drinks 1 day a fucking week. I bet.  Like porn on the old hot box I use to have in the living room where they would blur out the dick going in part. This is true. Dead serious. You think Amazon started online shopping. Nope. Not Ebay. None of these mother fuckers. Porn. In entrepreneurial circles, PORN is almost always the first industry to spark change. People wanted to use credit cards to pay for porn online. And those were the first online shops where you could do that. Buy a monthly membership to Bang Bros.com for $29.95. And no fucking blurred out reverse cowgirl anal. Mom I want this new playstation VR system that we tweaked using the porn industry until it worked just good enough to have to hold your cell phone at an awkward angle to either see their tits, or their ass. But not both yet. Oh wait, this angle shows it all. Fuck I can’t hold the phone in this angle this long. I am going with the tits. Yeah lots of new technology gets recycled through porn because the people are naked, and so the cameras and lighting and all the tech has to be absolutely fucking perfect for the product to look good and sell. So that is why. Thanks H for telling me that. Well go ahead watch it on that 90’s documentary on Netflix. I learned this shit a long time ago when I first got into tech, but was reaffirmed last night. When they said it that documentary.  Look folks, life is a box of chocolates, and I only like the caramel ones. Does anyone ever just come home on your wife’s birthday? Honey I got you a box of chocolates. Hmm so delicious babe. Opens the box. OMG there are over 100 pieces in here. I really just wanted some David Yurman. Grabs one. What is this one? Bites into it. Ew it has fucking creme in it. Fucking gross. What is this one? Bites into it. Fucking cherry. Greg, what the fuck- I like peanut butter fucking m & ms from Kroger. Not fucking Howie Mandel Deal or no Deal fucking choose your ending, Jenny should have chosen Forest the entire time, fucking boxes of chocolate. That is why gay guys always become CEO’s of home renovation project shows on Bravo. They say elite CEO’s almost never marry until their 40s. Call you a blue flame. The hottest part of the lighter. Burning that midnight oil. No fucking responsibilities except for changing the fucking world.  Don’t have to fucking memorize their wives favorite fucking candy. Some of these flaming blue check verified gay guys pretend to be sports analysts and like each others opinions and tweets on twitter all fucking day. Babe what are you doing? Liking Greg McCelroys tweets about Calculus. Babe, can I tell you something? Yeah sure Hun. I sometimes just stare at his profile picture on twitter and think. Is he playing paint ball or snowboarding? And also did god try to give him a deeper voice because he knew he was going to look like a teenager forever. So god what do you want to have born today? Umm its the end of the month. Give me 20,000 Colt McCoys born by Friday. And Greg was one of them who won the democratic lottery to migrate from heaven to earth. Guys lets take a picture of us off duty and post it on twitter. Chris Fowler uploading pictures of him hanging out with Kirk Herbstreit in the back of a fucking van with their producers, and using the wine emoji. What does that even fucking mean? That they are just parked in a parking lot at the mall passing around a bottle of wine before they go into a hooters for some wings and college basketball. Are there wives at home raising the kids, taking them to Pin Stacks to play the Jurrassic Park video game, and they get a ping notification on their apple series 4 watch that their husband is doing the tour de franzia with his best group of girls. What? Babe I thought you were working. Out. Your heart. All anyone talks about when you age is your heart. Yeah I need a baby aspirin one time a day because of my heart. Yeah I can’t fucking have BBQ because of my heart. Yeah I can’t tie a belt around my neck and die jerking off because of Robin Williams.  Once I saw Chris Fowler on a treadmill at NC State. Never fucking trust someone who puts gel in there hair to go workout. Just one second Kirk, I have to put some LA looks in my hair. Stiff hold. Hey btw are you related to Kirk Cousins? Because of the name Kirk. No bro, that is the first name. We have different last names. Yeah I can’t believe you were once the backup quarterback for Ohio State. Well at least you’re more interesting than Zac Taylor. Lets go workout. And there they were Just running on the treadmill. Only part of his body that sweats matches exactly his V Neck shirt. That is what all guys do his age. They are proud because they can jog 5 miles on a fucking treadmill. Congratulations bro. Your pinnacle achievement on earth. The heisman trophy of the treadmill. I saw my sister run one time. I was like she runs wierd. My mom is like- no perfect fucking form. People at triatholons say she has perfect form. Okay Chris. I get it. God. I have been trained by D1 strength coaches pointlessly on running form, when I am a quarterback and should have just been dropping back and throwing the whole time. But I get it. You’ve seen at least 1 treadmill in every university in the country. And the number 1 player on Rivals.com should definitely go to Texas. Because they have great treadmills in their facilities. And their coach cheats on his wife with strippers and does blow from sarah michelle gellars cross neckles in Cruel Intentions. Lets go grab lunch.  No man I can’t eat carbs. Yeah but you can eat, right? Like you still eat food. I am on the keto. diet. with Vinny from Jersey Shore. I can only eat the pepperonis off the pizza. Thats it. Yeah I can only eat burgers without their buns. What would you like today sir? Umm I am going to start with a water. And yeah ill do the cobb salad. Light vinegarrette. What do you want Harrison? I want a fucking mahi mahi sandwich with a slice of cheddar cheese on top, and some fries. And an excessive amount of ketchup. Our bottle has none. The waitress tries to memorize the order to validate her being a waitress but maybe smart too. I get up and go to the table next to mine and grab their ketchup. Because I don’t have fucking time to wait for Ketchup. And that bitch is gonna forget. Guaranteed. Then I will get my baked potato at Outback Steakhouse where I fucking very clearly, very defined, obviously fucking asked for as much sour cream as possible. And you brought me a fucking pioneer women pinch of fucking basil sized amount of sour cream. Can you go fucking get some more? Um please. Yeah sure. Wow this guy really likes sour cream. Goes to get it and takes fucking forever, and I have to fucking wait to eat my fucking baked potato.  Wow H you really know what you want. Yeah when I go to restaurants I just tell them what I want to eat and it works almost every time. Enjoy your fucking salad. Fucking girl. Fucking embarrassed I even have to fucking look at you. Fucking salad. A guy ordering a salad. Get the fuck out of here. I might even leave. I don’t fucking diet either. Yeah Ill have a diet coke. God dammit. Yeah trying to cut back on the calories. You want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life? Right Steve. Right. Lets keep making computers that are beige. So all one guy has to do to make a billion dollar company is make computers in different colors. To get rich. Yeah I want these things in yellow, and blue, and purple. Make em like computers built by a bag of Starbust. Only to stop doing that, and just make them in silver now. Or being sold out of rose gold at ATT during Christmas. I don’t want fucking black. I want fucking rose gold. We don’t have it. Its fucking Christmas time. And you don’t have the only reason someone gave you a job, which is to sell me a fucking rose gold apple watch. Great fucking goatee. Steve would be rolling over in his grave right now watching Tim Cook blame Trump for weakening the Chinese economy, which they told us that China was going to hurt us, to which we are finding out that China will soon have to cave to us. Because anyone in business knows that subcontracting is volume based, and as soon as you turn the fucking volume down on your sub contractor, their business in dead. Alexa, volume 7. Alexa, you’re going to have to be made in America now. Alexa, why is Elizabeth Warren drinking a beer on Instagram trying to humanize herself when one time I saw her on fox chastising someone about Loretta Scott King, and seriously believing that anyone gives a fuck about anything other than Qanon right now. Fucking China, You can’t have 80% of your economic revenue invested into 1 fucking customer. I mean people this is economics fucking 101. Like grow the fuck up, and stop fucking tweeting about who got a gold hall of fame jacket, read a fucking book. I swear to god someone should go around the city and ask people if they have ever managed a P & L before. I guarantee more than half wouldn’t even know what a P & L is. You mean P, B & J. And then you wonder why during voting season people vote for fucking Beto O’Rourke’s DUI, Robbery, Leaving the Scene of a Crime mugshot. Thats not a fucking Monday Night Football introduction picture. Beto O’Rourke UTEP.  Trump hasn’t even had a sip of alcohol in his life, or sent an email to Mark Cuban. Only hand written letters in permanent marker he requires you to shred after reading. That everyone should stop sending emails, and posting online, and probably go back to doing because Netflix only provides you with movies they know you’ll love. Like It Takes Two with the Olsen Twins which I loved as a kid and watched the other day, and it was fucking great. I love Kirsty Alley. and Tim Allen when their car breaks down and they turn that omish village upside down, and think about eventually actually living there permanently. Love that shit. Lets nominate the fucking small town shoplifter for President. Is Obama and Biden not the classic case of college roommates? Man we use to stay up on the porch smoking cigarettes together after the bar. Bro remember that one time we got into a deep discussion about how Drake might be the greatest rapper of all time. Getting ice cream together constantly. Now I don’t even have his phone number anymore. Hey I heard Biden was pissed you don’t want to endorse him in the election. You ever fucking live with that mother fucker. Fucking pubes all over his fucking base of his toilet. Never cleaned the fucking bathroom once. Fucking endorsement. Fuck no. Damn. Fucking guys who don’t know how to clean. No seriously learn how to fucking clean your house. Vacuum it, clean the toilets, the sinks, disinfect that mother fucker. Harrison, you are never sick. Yeah because I wipe my fucking door handles down with anti-bacterial lysol wipes 1x week. And wash my fucking hands. And use listerine. And shower a lot. Because I am fucking clean. No one in this fucking house is going to any god damn movie, doing anything fun, nothing – until this fucking house is fucking clean. Do you fucking hear me. Alexa, put on 90’s radio. Killing in the Name of. Damn I like this song. Grabs the windex, the disinfectant and 2 rolls of toilet paper. Its time to fucking clean. They say the best time to think is while you are cleaning. Hmm I wonder I am losing all of these twitter followers. In the hundreds every day. Could it be the MAGA hat in my throwing videos? Could it be like when a shark swims into a school of fish on the discovery channel, and they all scatter? Is the one follower I have left my moray eel? My ride or die. Should I start tweeting out pictures of pulled pork sandwiches? Is it like when you have a team meeting at work, and the boss says okay who has any ideas on what we should do here. And you’re only 31 but you raise your hand and suggest that folks should make you CEO. Because you’re one of the smartest people to ever fucking live. And they can’t believe you said that or think that because the average age of a CEO is 65 years old. And they get mad at you and resent you for not giving a fuck about anything other than you trying to do baller ass shit at all times. You wait your fucking turn. You listen to other people who only make $150K so you can only learn to make $150K, because if you listened to people who made a $1M then you might have a chance to learn how to make a $1M. And we wonder why people are fucking poor is because he have $60K managers telling $40K managers one day they could be $60K managers if they perform well for 2 years. And people just accept that shit. Like the alligators at miniature golf I put gator food into a hair clip and lower down into their den, and feed them dried fucking dog food. And the gators never fucking think that my ancestors in Lake Placid fucking ate cows a nice old lady fed us to keep us calm, but actually teaching us how to interact with humans, and eventually requiring a team of scientists to fly down, set up camp and try to stop. No, these fucking bamboo fences will stop us. I think we should bring back the BCS, I think it should be an 8 team playoff, I think fucking I can actually feel the emotion in a text message because it passes through my body to get to my phone. And when you google are cell phones more dangerous than cigarettes it finishes the sentence for me in the search box. Man Harrison you are so fucking funny man. I voted Hilarious in your latest Twitter poll. Thanks man. Fucking thanks.  James Comey is like I have never seen Trump just laugh. Yeah because he is the one telling the jokes. You are the one who fucking laughs. The first four letters of the word culture are cult. That is not a coincidence. I don’t drink Kool Aid, all I drink is water, milk, and vodka. On fucking repeat.  Roger Stone has a set of rules where he explains that when he hears someone mention the word culture he reaches for his gun. A set of core values created by companies to suppress their front line staff into never becoming CEO. Put your fucking hand down and have some respect with Arethra Franklin. That politics is performance art. That this whole government shutdown is really just Kabuki theatre. The chef who makes your fucking hibachi making you think the spatula is gonna hit your face. Ill fucking beat your ass that thing hits my face. That pretty soon folks are going to be looking around going do we even need a government. Mark Cuban said it should run like the Amazon anyways. Its shutdown but he still shot free throws this morning at the Mavs facility because he thinks he could play in the NBA if god would have read more of his blogs on Linked In. Look up the last 53 Super Bowls and who won them. Go ahead and draft Dwanye Haskins. Give the New York Giants a Viagra.

QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Moon

QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you all about the moon. Trust the Quarterback Coach in Mckinney. Listen to the Quarterback Lessons in Mckinney being taught here. We landed on the moon. First time in 1966. In 2018 we are still landing your cousin Josh’s fucking polaris you take out to Oklahoma over Christmas Break and ride trails with. Crash into that tree man. Crash into it. Its fucking fun. Man. Its fucking great, run over those branches. Yeah flip this mother fucker. Flip it. Yeah with all of us in it. The whole fucking family. Make sure the kids got seat belts on. Flip. This. Mother Fucker. Actually that is not what is happening. In the last 60 years no one has gotten out of their Blue Origin rocket. Yeah Amazon is huge, but my life’s work is this rocket. Want to hear about my Life’s work? No, because I don’t give a shit about fucking rockets Jeff. You fucking Bozo the clown Dr. Evil looking mother fucker. Better get my wife’s Christmas presents delivered to me on fucking time, and shut your mouth. I used to have a bald head, and look like the lead singer of Tool, with one fucking earring in my ear boxing books into cardboard boxes at a fucking Metro Storage. Honey, I swear on my fucking life someday all this boxing of Charlotte’s Web we are doing at 11pm at night, and paying $35 to ship as fast as possible to the person that ordered it. And making 0 margin, but actually losing money to just prove a point. I swear on my fucking life its going to explode. So just keep boxing. Babe, stop fucking crying. I know you want to go on a ski trip to New Mexico. But this is more important. My life’s second work. Because once Amazon works, I am then going to talk to you all the time about fucking rocket ships taking off. You’re not going to just be like every girl right now who wants to go down to the SPCA and adopt a mixed breed fucking slobbering no one knows what the fuck kind of dog, and it has no fucking manners, and is untrainable, and god dammit why cant you just buy a fucking dog bred with bloodlines, instead of thinking you are saving the fucking world, i hate your fucking dog, you’re mean, no fuck your dog, seriously. I am not picking up the dump your dog took at the park with a fucking grocery bag inside out covering my hand. Especially without a bathroom sink and soap nearby to wash my hands. Not fucking happening ever, in any fucking way, fucking ever. Please, stop crying babe. I swear. Trust me. Rockets. Not the Houston Rockets. Actual space ships. Stanley Kubrick is not around anymore for Hollywood and the CIA to hire to film us landing on the moon because of the great job he did in Space Odessey 2001. Someone actually has to go there again. And from the looks of it. All China can send there is an I Phone 3. The google phone college gameday uses in commercials to take pictures of people having fun in cities they travel to would have at least captured stars in the background of the sky, or how about the earth since when you are on earth you can always see the moon at any point during the day but on the moon you never can see the earth in the background, and the irony of that. Or the fact that I don’t want one god damn space ship landing on the moon unless its fucking 4am. Its always darkest right before dawn. And we will only land in the fucking dark. Okay, the fucking club on the moon isn’t poppin till 2am. Chainsmokers is still on their red eye from Boston to get here to perform at Encore Beach club. I know you are tired. Just sleep on the VIP couch we got for 2,000 dollars. Well wrap airport security check lanes around it. Take a fucking nap, wake up at 3am for their song Paris, and us landing on the moon in the dark. We will never go to the fucking moon at 9:30 on tomorrow morning. Because that is for endless mimosas at the Wicked Spoon way back in the back of the Cosmopolitan. Yeah just park at Aria Crystal Parking. And walk through the mall that only sells Hermes bags you can’t afford, then once through it, and inside Cosmo. Go past the Chandeleir Bar that is actually a beautiful work of art , right past the Egg slut, keep going down an odd stretch of carpet and open lobby, and its right there just past the elevators. You came here for work Harrison. To check on accounts. Not to fucking drink Mimosas and somehow end up at Marquette Beach club on the way out from brunch waste deep in a pool fist pumping to Tritonal on Soundcloud.  I swear to god I have had every fucking family member on earth trying to book vacations around this mother fucker. Like when I was fucking a kid and tried to buy a stone cold steve austin baseball jersey on my moms birthday and she gave me the wrong credit card number. But I thought it worked. And waited for that fucking jersey for weeks and it never fucking came. Thats what you get for being selfish. Not even giving me the chance to see what the moon can fucking do. We don’t even open a small hatch door when we land and let a golden retriever run out onto the surface. We can film a crew of chinese workers building a whole railroad station in 9 hours in shanghai but can’t youtube a clip of a golden retriever fetching a tennis ball on the moon. Yeah definitely buy that Tesla stock. Go ahead and give them that $1,500 deposit for your new Tesla. You’ll get it. It wasn’t just a way for Elon to raise $20M dollars selling hats that say Boring Company on it, and fucking blow torches. You know why I can’t read fucking Shiloh on the moon. Its because of fucking Peta. We can test Kylie Jenners lipkit on rats, unless Kourtney Kardashian goes to lobby in DC again for safe makeup testing regulations and posts it on instagram to her 100M followers to like. But not the fucking moon. Peta sends a fucking letter to ESPN, Texas & Georgia about letting their mascots get into a Connor McGreggor weigh in before the game. Actually if you think about it – did the animals know that Texas was going to turn Kirby Smart back into a graduate assistant breaking down film at Florida State in the 1990s. Like I said Kirby isn’t Smart. Can’t stop 5 qb sneaks in a row, unless he is a QB at the Brad Johnson football camp. For some reason at this stupid fucking camp you had to play offense and defense. So here I am at safety. Yeah ill guess ill play fucking safety even though I don’t want to fucking play safety. I want to fucking throw. Thats it.  And some kid throws a post route during 7 on 7. And so some other kid catches it. Right in front of me. And I stopped because one more step and this kid would have died from the Bill Goldberg spear I had lined up for him. We didn’t wear the old otto graham helmets that they are making again, for you to believe are new, now that CTE is the new I have mono.  I mean Brad Johnson is lucky enough to get the top 3 best quarterback in the US (WORLD) at his fucking shitty camp at Eckerd College. And Kirby has me playing safety.  Since it was shirts verse skins. I chose not end this kids life. Like when a walk on from the ROTC at NC State would try to join the team and come to practice. And I would tell him to run a slant, but also tell the defense with a hand signal, and then wait to throw the slant, and then fire it in there, for him to bobble, and get his fucking head ripped off, and to never show up to fucking practice ever again. And to be able to find an MRI anywhere now because Trump fixed the VA.  Anyways, I look back at Kirby Smart. He had the same fucking Serena Williams loses to Roger Federer and laughs about it on Snapchat visor on. HaHa! Man I just have been losing every fucking match lately and no one questions it. Ha! I married the only tech CEO who isn’t worth a Billion Dollars. The guy from fucking reddit who only has like $5M dollars because the only thing you can do on reddit is discuss if we landed on the moon or not, or what exactly is the meaning behind the final scene in House of Cards season 6. So is Claire saying there is a Season 7, or that Doug left the coordinates for Rachel’s body, and so she didn’t sew up her loose ends by assassinating everyone like the Clintons do, except for Loretta Lynch who got nervous when Trump asked her about meeting Bill on the tarmac, and she said it was about golf and kids, but his generals played him a recording it was about Anthony Scalias Supreme Court seat if she helps the FBI back off Hillary’s deleted emails. And so she told him there was a coordinate effort to spy on him in the highest levels of government to which he tweeted out, and everyone laughed and said he is a liar, but actually he gets access to classified information and knows about everything happening in the fucking world, and is just trying to tell you because you don’t get to see that information, but here I will tell you, but no thanks liar. You fucking lie 15 times a day about things that are actually not lies, but that always come true within 1-2 months of you saying it.  Kirby just stares at me as he puts his hand into a big ass bag of popcorn. Puts a handful into his mouth. What do you think about the stars? Well, I can’t the see the sun from the moon because I guess it doesn’t have an atmosphere and so the suns rays never actually, you can’t see them refracted on or around the green screen of the moon, or would that mean since the moon has nothing to block the suns rays, that they should directly make the moon brighter than a neopolitan pizza oven, because at least in Tampa I have clouds and 100 SPF protection to block the Sun’s rays. But on the moon there are no clouds in any pictures we take, just the color black like when you fill in your rectangular shape art on a power point org chart, and therefore the sun should easily be able to burn holes in leaves through a magnifying glass on the moon if it was really close to the sun, because its close to earth. And technically the sun works first shift, and the moon works second shift, so they should see each other in passing while using our man made time zones to clock out. He pulls his visor off. Said to me, God Damn Son. Stop watching so many fucking Flat Earth videos with Kyrie Irving, Steph Curry, Eddie Bravo, and millions of other people on Instagram. Instead, don’t let him catch the fucking ball. That receiver. To which I thought. I signed up to come to this fucking camp to do quarterback shit, and you got me over here, fucking playing safety like I am Scott Frost at a Jets practice. Coach, I just beat Peyton Manning in the National Title. Bad. What part of that ass whooping told you I wanted to play safety in the NFL? Mel Kiper said you couldn’t play QB, and no one knows the criteria rivals.com uses to rank players. Or has challenged it in court yet. To probably win. Coach Spurrier chimes in, well you can’t spell Citrus without UT. A joke about how Peyton only wins against low level competition. And I win almost 4 games my first year as head coach. Potato Patatoe. Lets pay $6.49 cent delivery fee for Chicken Express in the name of convenience. Which isn’t it convenient that you are leaving the team right before our bowl game, but actually staying making it awkward for everyone at team snack. Hey!, put down the chick fil a sandwich you fuck, you don’t even play here anymore. I guarantee that both Kirby Smart and Brian Kelly were thinking. Justin Fields is going to transfer and Fromm can’t complete a fucking screen pass tonight. Ian hasn’t read a fucking book about winning a game in his entire life. Now his moms Wimbush is leaving. Fuck, and now I can’t put either in the fucking game because they already typed their transfer speech into the notepad on their Iphone took a screen shot, and shared it on twitter. God dammit.  I better seriously consider not making it past 1 contract with the Bucs. Goff better win this fucking playoff game before every one starts to realize that Sean McVays dad gets paid $1M to be the CEO of the Outback Bowl which only has a revenue of $11M dollars, which in regular or normal business, usually $11M dollars is managed by some fucking $90K hack who smokes cigarettes at lunch after his meatball marinara subway sandwich. Not $1M dollars. or 10% of total revenue on just 1 fucking person. I don’t know. You fucking tell me. Imagine if life worked like John McCay. He just waltzes into a Target. Yeah I saw this flatscreen at Walmart for $350. So ill just head over there to buy it. No. No sir. Wait. Wait. Calm Down. Relax. If you can pull it up on your phone, and demonstrate that Walmart is selling that TV for $350 dollars. The same make and model. Then you can have it at that price point. But instead of a TV you get to plan sand volleyball for IOWA every year during only bowl season, and a breakfast for boosters to attend and eat pancakes with the players. 10 months out of the year, we need to just not take a consulting job in the NFL. Yeah just wake up every morning and walk the beach looking for shark teeth. Mom, look I found a sand tiger. Tooth. I wonder what a gift shop will give me to put it on a neckles and sell it  to the people from New Jersey who flock here every winter, but don’t have the balls to just pickup and move here. There isn’t a housewives of Tampa or I would. I need my fucking job. Yeah but I heard Florida is where old people go to die. Yeah and to ride bikes, and exercise, and fish, and play golf, and always be doing things outside because its 80 degrees every fucking day. Yeah but everyone there drinks orange juice. Not fucking anymore. China paid a marketing firm to spread lies about how unhealthy it is because Trump placed Tariffs on them, and in retaliation. Like my grandpa who use to make me go outside and spend hours picking up dead oranges from the trees. Ew this one looks like when I have flies inside my house so I put sugar and water into a cup with seran wrap over the top and poke holes into and the next day there are 50 flies living inside the cup, and orange. Damn I didn’t know I had that many bugs in my house. Yeah either did we until Trump came along. But the moral of the story being that Buzz Aldrin was a mason, and John Wayne, all Presidents, and anyone who ever has a real opportunity to make it in life. Make it to the moon, and back. Reach for the Starz channel that was so close to being Netflix but just couldn’t figure it out. Either could Blockbuster. But then Amazon is actually leaving the internet to go back to brick and mortar locations making you wonder if they should have just waited out the storm. Because now it seems like folks are finding out we might have to shut the internet down, and we have a lot of fucking inventory that when a hurricane comes, every one just goes to the store to buy bottle water, and not to Amazon to buy things you can snack on. Babe, just get some pop tarts off the internet. No you can’t do that yet. Ill have to go Kroger. Babe both of my life’s works it turns out are just the art that Steve Wynn once fell through at his own party costing himself $150M dollars. We have been packaging goose bumps books the entire fucking time, and all people really wanted were to be able to press a button and get milk delivered to their house at 8pm at night so they didn’t have to go put some basketball shorts on and go to 711. For some reason the milk there always has a nearby expiration date. All milk needs at least 10 days away expiration date. Wait, didn’t they use to just deliver milk to your house during the time period that Andy Griffin show was made. Milk with no lids in carafes meant for Rose’. All the fucking things they use to do that we wish they still did now, that people are starting to create apps to fucking do, just what we were already fucking doing. Which is not landing on the fucking moon. Because they didn’t do it then, and for some reason in the last 60 years Sean Mcvay can’t remember any humans doing it now. So if you have any itch to start your own fucking business. All you have to do is sell oranges at stop lights. Because pretty soon that fucking wall will be built like they use to build fucking walls, and wheels, and there will be no one left to do that fucking job. Not because of AI. Stop building fucking reindeer bots that can barely stand in place in my front yard during Christmas. Or Hey robot, catch. Ball bounces right off your fucking Marsha Brady sex brothels opening every where now oh face. Turn this shit off. They can’t even get fucking cable right. They didn’t play any new shows over the entire Christmas break for some reason. I am going to bed. I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky. Boys 2 Men will be in an episode of masked singer on Fox.

QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Huddle

QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about the huddle. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. Bro why does it smell like piss in here? Like a fucking bathroom at Buffalo Wild Wings hosting a group of Arkansas fans. I just went bro. I got nervous they were about to punt the ball back to us and I would get stuck in that tent on the sidelines. And I couldn’t find my fucking helmet. It just added up. I got scared and chose looking for my helmet. It was in the same spot that I always leave it, but felt like it wasn’t going to be there. And then they were punting by that time, so I just let a little out. Folks don’t know – it looks like sweat. I just stare at Kushner. Touche my lord. Touche. I did the same last drive.  Alright, Zebra Zebra. Guys I want double wing rt zebra right 2 Jet All Go Special. Kush bend across the face of the safety. Nate keep it straight down the pipe. Andre act like you’re inside out on the end, and slide up the seam. Nathan stop drinking so much muscle milk, your ass is getting hard, and I feel like I am putting my hands into a fucking toaster oven to get the snap. I need soft booty, okay. I need that ass to feel like a My Sleep Pillow infomercial so that football and the snap have some mountain bikes shocks on it. I need to be able to drive over a speed bump without my hands coming off the fucking wheel. Stop watching all those fucking instagram videos about how to become a phat ass white girl, a PAWG in the club. Doing fucking stair steps, and that one fucking machine where you sit down, and swing your legs open like a set of butterfly wings that only moms who drink wine while they workout do. Hey, do you have a job? No I just go up to Lifetime Fitness and do cross fit in neon green outfits? I don’t even have a house, or apartment or anywhere to live. I just workout at the gym, then I go swimming there, then I shower, and by that time people forgot I had already worked out, so I just go back upstairs again. So first shift thinks I am there client. But so does Second shift. and Once it is third shift. That guy sleeps in his office, and no one is up stairs. So I just sleep in the dance instructor studio on some ab mats. Stack four of them on top of each other and it feels like a $100 mattress cover from Walmart. Alright Nathan, need that ass thick. Lets run this fucking play. Brent Musberger looks down from the Sky Box. Harrison is really fucking taking charge down there. Look, In 2009 we only ran 4 verticals with a back over the middle. In 2018 we run 5, call it an RPO, and let the quarterback fend for himself. Yep, all the divers are on the boat. I counted. Lets get the fuck out of here. The quarterback drops back. Hey where is the boat? Fuck babe, I think they left us to swim in the middle of the fucking ocean all night by ourselves because the running back can’t read or do math. The play is on 1  guys because any time we try a different snap count you fuck it up, and someone false starts. You know what, fuck it. Lets do the Tennessee Volunteers Casey Clausen clap for the snap count. 1 clap means don’t snap it yet, so coach can read the defense for me like he is playing Madden and I am just his create-a-player. Harrison, press the X button. I forgot where the R1 toggle button was for the flat. Just press X because the software is built to make it so if you press X right away there is a good chance it will be there first read and completed. It gets dicey after that trying to press square, or Y. Josh Rosen is making his perfect dream wedding quarterback like — I want this quarterback to look just like Kellen Moore. Winningest Quarterback. I am so smart that every quarterback put Dan Marino as their idol during the draft because they admire and appreciate NFL history, but I actually despise the NFL and look down on anyone who likes this Neanderthal the Rock Titan games league, and so I put Elon Musk. Because I once put a jaqcuzzi in my dorm room, and he once landed a rocket on the fishing boat that left me in the pocket to die. But hey everyone wants to hire Kliff Kingsbury until they find out he doesn’t understand protections or defensive fronts. So Kliff please draw a bear defensive front. Goes up to the board. Okay so these are my favorite bears players. Urlacher, Richard Dent, Refrigerator Perry, and Mike Singletary. No draw the front. The fucking front. The defensive front. Oh, oh, yeah um we just anticipate that someone will be open before they get to the quarterback. Otherwise I told them to just throw it to me on the sideline. Throw it away like Mox in Varsity Blues when he knocks that cowboy off the horse of the opposing team. Do you guys have Varsity Blues in your XOS coaching system. Pop that film on real quick. Okay yeah Kliff Bar, well let you know, about if we are going to hire you, or just not respond to your messages on Linked In. Nathan, are you ready for some football? Its a Monday Night Party. I am about to point to the ground. This means. This means that I am ready. To clap again. Then snap it. I know there are 100,000 thousand people in this stadium but listen for that fucking clap. Okay. Strong fucking powerful hands clapping together. We don’t need snap counts anymore. Quarterbacks don’t need a voice. Harrison believes that all quarterbacks should be able to sing and the play the guitar so they can entertain at parties. But not here. Not now. Not this game. When I clap you snap me the running back the ball, and he is going to pretend to run power, then stop and pop pass to the tight end. Because in college football. No one is smart enough to stop five fucking quarterback shotgun draws in a row verse Georgia for a touchdown. So um coach whats your defensive scheme. Well I act stressed out the whole fucking game with a visor on yelling, lots of energy. Jake Peetz says that the number 1 thing Saban taught them is that each player has a defined role, and you will be held accountable to the definition of winningnest by Josh Rosen, and that to man your fucking gaps, because they are literally just snapping the ball back five yards, to run forward 7 yards, to score, five times in a fucking row, including fourth down. So yeah if I get this job at Georgia I can guarantee you the same record as Mark Richt, or maybe worse. Great Kirby. Great stuff, ill tell you what Kirby. It sure is starting to look like Saban and Belichek both share the same fucking adam and eve fruit tree that any college who eats from it their program fucking thinks its made a beautiful hire only to find out they married a skank from the club. How is it so fucking hard to be a good coach? I don’t get it. You get paid to fucking watch film all god damn day. Every day. Nothing else. Ill tell you what guys. I know that Oklahoma ran corner cats against Texas because Sam Elinger can’t notice a defender 2 feet inside his slot receiver. Because he is too busy trying to find his mom in the crowd to hand his MVP trophy of a team he lead to a 10-4 season that in 1999 would mean the BCS algorythm would shadow ban you from the Sugar Bowl. Werrreee Back! No low gas prices are back. But I never. Not even once. Thought that he would just be the only player in football who runs with his chest wide open every play. Pat Forde is like — technically this means they could beat Alabama. Yeah we definitely should have forced Sam to throw literally any other route besides a jump ball fade, and have taken away his Dan Kendra impression. Coach I don’t want to play full back. But Dan– then fucking stop squatting every day. Fucking do some stretching. Take a day off from fucking lifting. Chris Weinke doesn’t lift. He goes out to the parking lot, and long tosses a baseball. Stretches his arm out. Has MLB money. Buys the receivers Pizza, and tells Lincoln Riley to fuck off when asked why he is late to a team meeting. Why the fuck is Kyler Murray my fucking neighbor he asks his wife, looking through the blinds at a bunch of kids playing play station eleven o’clock at night. Can barely see because there is so much smoke in the living room from one of the people that is constantly rolling blunts on the face of an ESPN the magazine cover that shows Kyler making a Bo Knows pose. Texts Kyler. Bro – can you turn down your radio? I have work tomorrow. Sees a read text, but no response. Looks again through the window. At Kyler pulling a milk jug out of the fridge, and chugging on some Vitamin D whole milk. Burps and puts it back in. Damn that mother fucker has a fridge with an IPAD in the door panel. Too. Gives up and goes to sleep. I just want to make announcement. I know a lot of teams are going to be pursing Lincoln this off season. He is sponsored by Peyton Manning. So we are going to go ahead and give him his own extension at the office. 911 — dial 911 as in its an emergency that you better fucking win some fucking games that we are paying you to fucking win, and not go 0-2 in fucking bowls, or you are fucking fired. We are giving him $2 more million dollars for being the only coach in NCAA with 2 straight Heisman wins not to be able to get to a National Championship, where it use to be that every year the Heisman winner played in the National Title. But not anymore. And since the Heisman was ruined when they started just handing them out like candy to Alabama running backs who only rush for 1,200 yards season, and for some reason for a team that keeps going to the title game, you rarely ever see them on regional television. Just when its time to beat LSU 7-6 again. Who 8-4 Heisman winners Lamar Jackson and Johnny Manziel couldn’t beat either. Like getting treatment in Las Vegas before the last game of the Browns season. Lets head out West to the grand daddy of them all. Urban handed Ryan Day his coaching whistle and all I could think about was Larry Coker. And how Ryan Day will one day be fired for being the coach who comes in and says, okay guys I know Coach Meyer was absolutely fucking insanely meticulous and rigid, and a paranoid schizophrenic about lapses in coverage in the 2nd quarter on 1st down passes against Washington, but this is a new Day. Get it. And in my program you can truly be who you want to be. Tate, you can continue to use twitter to taunt other players you have never even met on teams in states thousands of miles away, with fans who don’t know who you are, because you tried Xanax for the first time in college. Babe meet me at the club. Sorry I feel asleep on the couch. I just got your texts. Still want me to come over.  I don’t mind that there is a good chance one day you will tweet something super embarrassing that I will have to suspend you for, resulting in your transfer to UNLV and most likely, a job on the strip hawking VIP backstage passes to Chainsmokers at Encore Beach Club for $100 tips. Its great money man. But late nights. Not for everyone. I don’t mind that you are only 19 and have a full sleeve like Sandra Bullocks ex-husband Jesse James. Maybe one day you will get your own show fixing and repairing choppers on the discovery channel. I don’t know. And Dwayne. DH Simba. We are going to need you to change your twitter handle. Because folks type in Dwayne on Twitter Search, and then they see a Dwayne but it says Simba, and then they start thinking about Africa, and does this young man think he is Simba from the new Lion King movie, and does that mean he lost his dad in a buffalo herd accident, or that he wants to grow up and be king. Because the way Lebron James is acting recently he is almost guaranteed to have an illuminati breakdown, and be hauled off to the same cloning center they dyed Kanye’s hair blonde at. But thats another discussion for a Joe Rogan podcast. Anyways guys. I am not going to discipline anyone around here. Keep it fun. Keep it loose. Maybe even use Urban outfitters team to go undefeated on accident based on the recruits Butch Davis brought in. But shortly after that people will realize I am the singer from the group Train. Drops of jupiter in my ear. And even though every one in college football is trying to pretend like hiring your assistant wide receiver coach at Clemson will get us the next Dabo Swinney. It is really because Manny Diaz dad in the 80’s was Mayor, and all the banks all the sudden got 500, 600 million, and all these sky scrapers were built. And Til Fertita might be the top booster in Houston, but El Chapo determines who coaches football here. And his wife didn’t even know he liked football, but now we get to continue down the path that almost led us to cutting our football program from the academia at this school. Back before we beat Cade McNown and Bob Toledo at UCLA. Coach Applewhite, come into my office. Here son, look- Nick Saban once said he hated you because you went from beating Cody Paus in the Holiday Bowl because he couldn’t complete a pass on 4th and 3 and instead ran out of bounds, essentially ending the career of Rick Neuheissal. Who is Hitlers perfect german citizen. So even know he loses every single job he gets, and spread he picks, he still gets a job at ESPN like that hockey guy. Barry Melrose. And uses the money to pay off his bookies. Guys was it me or did Rick seem edgy on air today. But look – Saban says you got your offensive coordinator job way too easy. You didn’t have to have Terry Bowden once tell you to run to Best Buy for a TV remote, and to pick him up an italian sausage sandwich on the way back. Only for you to be like fuck that shit. Fuck being a graduate assistant. So look, because you didn’t grab Ed Oliver’s face mask like Jimbo Fisher, and didn’t choke a player like Bobby Knight, establishing yourself as Head Coach, Throwing scar off a fucking cliff, fucking simba, daddy is fucking home, and no one better ever fucking talk to me like that again you son of a bitch mother fucker, shut your fucking mouth right now, because Ill take your grandma’s fucking season tickets, and go sit the fuck down without a fucking jacket, you should have fucking played. Every single NFL scout is going to know you fucking suck by the time I fuck your whole career up, talking to fucking me like that. You fuck. Because you didn’t say and act like that. Like when Bill Parcells once dumped a trash can on top of the defensive lineman’s heads of the Giants, and throw it against the wall, telling them they are playing like garbage. Fuck there was chocolate milk in there. We are going to beer can you for Dana Holgorsen. Who loves beer. And Bill Murrays haircut in King Pin. Why are you leaving West Virginia Dana? I thought they filmed that movie with Woody Harrelson where he runs a gang in the mountains there. and the soundtrack is different pearl jam and shinedown songs. Woody I have a great role for you. Yeah you are mayor of the West Virginia forest, but not the mayor, just someone who people are afraid of who lives there. And the whole movie is about how no one in the town ever calls the cops to have you arrested. Yeah, you’re like the Hillary Clinton of the coal mines Obama tried to shut down, leading to people in that state having nothing left, and resorting to the lifestyles depicted in this movie. And there is a scene where Christian Bale just is alone and thinking powerful thoughts about his brothers death. More powerful thoughts than Jeff Brohm at Halftime of the Purdue Auburn game about the Louisville job he turned down. What the fuck is that movie called? Dana, why didn’t you want to be a movie extra in Wrong Turn. Harrison, you don’t get it. Any coach Mike Leach trained has to run his offense, and the university into the ground at Cal, and now SMU. Anyways – when is Dabo going to take recruiting to the next level, and start his own weed strain. Fucking I got that Dabo. 30 a G. Yeah itll be like one of those touch lamps where you can get the dim setting, its still on, but not, at the same time. That is your eye lids. Its all about sales man. You don’t need to know shit about football anymore. Fuck Paul Brown actually inventing the West Coast offense, and not Bill Walsh. Every football game the score of a shitty basketball game in Creighton Nebraska. Pretty soon quarterbacks will have 9-10 touchdowns a game, like they are 3 point shooters on the warriors. Hey come here, huddle up. Huddle up. Look, the best part of waking up is folgers in your cup. Or breakfast after a nut. Everyone pull their phones out. Okay. I am going to tweet you the play call. Its going to be like Netflix and interactive movies. Where you can choose what you want to happen. The fans, opposing coaches following my account, everyone will be involved in the game. Will know the play. Okay — tweets out- “Quarterback Draw 5x”. Runs the QB draw five fucking times in a row. 1st down, 2nd down, 3rd down, penalty, 3rd down, 4th down. Touchdown. Kirby, are you not following fucking Harrison on twitter. They just fucking scored. You were the only one who didn’t fucking get the play the call. Yeah, but Saban doesn’t have a twitter account. So none of us ever thought we needed one. God dammit- Saban has a fucking strategy for fucking everything. He knew the Hudl would become an App.

QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Perfection

QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you about perfection. Trust the Quarterback Coaching in Mckinney. I need you to listen to the Quarterback Lesson in Mckinney. Profitability is the enemy of perfection. It is why people aren’t smart enough to drive for Uber. Its not a perfect job that you clock into at 8am and leave at 5pm. Instead you just work whenever the fuck you want. And make $1000 bucks week. Yeah but no benefits. Who the fuck has insurance in 2019? No one. It takes $1600 month out of your paycheck. No one fucking has insurance. Yeah but I would rather have a hyper caffeinated boss who drives an orange mustang with Superman Cuff links on, to help me make sure my power point pictures are formatted correctly, as well as email me at 8pm at night with a question I obviously cannot answer until tomorrow when people are working again, and now I am just going to lay in bed thinking about his question and what it means for my future if I get it wrong, honey stop fucking clicking 1 button buy on Amazon every time you have a glass of wine, I might have to start driving for Lyft again tomorrow, but he did write Best Regards, at the end, so maybe he does have respect for me and my time, without actually acting like it. You are a great soldier my son. You have earned the medal of freedom for your victories on the email battlefield. You have made your entire staff feel insecure every single day this year. Job well done. For humans being so smart, all you have to do is email them to control them. Dolphins are swimming around an ocean right now free as fuck. Un-phased by technological advances. Yeah dog I get to be in 3 dolphin movies a year. They don’t have their insides being cooked by wireless bluetooth charging stations, but loving those new apple watches. Have you seen those videos of your pet Lassie standing still on youtube? 5G has no affect on your brain as texts from your mom pass through body. Eat less Gluten. Thanks mom that text went directly to my liver so if I tell him that would be 2x he heard the same thing. Humans used to just be animals looking for an opportunity to grow their career. I can do more than crawl guys. I can stand up straight, and eventually use tools and talk a lot about transhumanism with Kara Wishers Rachel Maddow Haircut. I am going to make Sean Hannitys hair stylist fear me.  America has been around for 300 or so years. And we already have New York City skyscrapers and the internet. This guy who was 112 years old died the other day. That means being born in around 1909 he saw the Titanic, all the major wars, transition from horses to cars, all cultural revolutions, and the internet being created by a guy who gets no equity or credit for his invention like Nikola Tesla and free electricity. Fuck Nikola, dude fuckin dated a pigeon, no way he is going to be in the school books in Texas that Hillary got voted out of and then into again. Hey we didn’t get Beto, but we got a chapter in history. Thanks Chelsea Handler for trying to rig our elections in El Paso using your twitter account and pay pal. Too bad you’re not russia or we would investigate your home and find nothing because it got burned down. This guy, he saw basically anything that matters in history- saw it all happen in person. Angelina Jolie wearing Bad Santa Billy Bob Thortons blood vial as a neckles, but also not ruling out a run for President. The pangea of moms, a kid from every continent, and even Atlantis. One minute Robin Hood is white, the next minute he is Jamie Foxx. That is fucking crazy. Times are changing. Sometimes you can’t see the forest through the trees.  Unless you’re like a beaver who built a damn, that got blown up so a white water rafting company could give rides to adventure seekers. The beavers were like. Guys we have to fucking evolve or face extinction. I know the illuminati purposely built major metropolitan areas where they could control mass crowds of people and constantly monitor everything they do and call it freedom, but its really just them putting all essentials in one secure location, like a dog bowl, a Walmart I have to go to one time a week to be seen on camera and financially tracked and forced to buy things and houses and to seperate from our money 12x a day or fidelity will shut your card off due to too many transactions in one day, its your money but really ours, but now people like Chris Sacca and Kayne are trying to make Wyoming and Montana great places to live near Ted Turner. Who doesn’t own a TV and watch his own product like Steve Jobs didn’t let his kids use Iphones, because its bad for you. But sign up for cable and watch it please. Jon Voight is going to blow up our barrier on the Amazon loaded with posionous snakes in order to get to the nest of an anaconda he wants to capture for a million dollars. That is what you did the 90’s when you couldn’t make money on Ebay re-selling Yeezys to sneakerheads. You became a snake trapper. When you don’t use your phone all day. Anyways, the book animorphs was written. That is why your co-worker looks like a weasel. A little ferret. Little guy. You can just tell he has rat DNA. Eats a handful of nuts for a snack at work. You want some nuts Harrison. No, I eat one fucking time a day. Once. A big dumabass cheeseburgers with buffalo chicken tenders on top from Buffalo Wild Wings. And half the bottle of ketchup. One time. I don’t eat fucking handfuls of nuts, or salads. Like little fucking rabbits, and rodents. Want some nuts? Your salty sticking trail mix fingers sending out emails with misspelled words 11pm at night. Business Insider will even write an article about how you email people back a question mark (?) and taunt them, and call it visionary leadership at Space X.  Elon Musk can’t get a spaceship not to blow up in a tweet, but he sure can make his engineer miss the birth of his child for a conference call about the potential dangers of AI. Some fucking loser at Tech Crunch is like a lot of people are still hungry in the world, but Elon is landing rockets on deadliest catch boats for the Discovery Channel to convince people we landed on the moon.  So far from what I can tell about AI is that Jonquin Pheonix falls in love with Scarlett Johannson but then realizes he can’t fuck his Alexa, so Facebook invents a portal with a screen so Alexa can create deepfake pornos of Scarlett Johanson she can’t sue off the internet. And he jerks off to that. That is the closest you are going to get to an intimate relationship with AI. Until the empire beneath the ice that guy hiked over with his IPhone that happens to have service by ATT there, which I sometimes can’t get in certain parts of Dallas, releases new technology they are already thirty years ahead and slowly releasing 1 invention at a time so people don’t freak out when they realize that Tall Whites exist in Tom Delounge’s imagination because the whole time he was on tour with Blink 182 he ready alien books in the back of the van. Mark was like you want to drink and party, and Tom was like, no man there is more to life in the Universe. I want to quit Blink 182, and become a full time conspiracy theorist and have my emails to John Podesta released so Joe Rogan can invite me on his show to mock me, and yet speculate why the fuck was Tom Delongue from Blink 182 emailing John Podesta for. We’re close man. Soon the world will just be Alexa constantly trying to play you 90’s rock stations everywhere. The whole world is going to become a cleaner place. Pearl Jam will just start playing, and next thing you know you are mopping your kitchen floors. Man he was a firm, but fair boss. Really mean in his emails, but made the IPhone. While at the same time firing Travis Kalanick from Uber for getting into 400 countries, while Lyft is in like 20 states. That is Linked In in a nutshell. Keep your head up, the skies the limit. Put your head down, and get to work. I need to go on FMLA my fucking neck hurts from reading that medical device salesman article about culture he posted. You’re hypnotized. Like the beating in a Tall Tale Heart while you are cutting up chicken. God dammit how did I grow up to feed a mean old man on his death bed? I used to play little league soccer with my friends. Here is what is actually happening to you. The founder is way smarter than you, some people own dogs, he owns human minds as pets, but in a legal way you signed up for in your new hire packet you just randomly gave signatures to get the job, and he tricked you into wearing a blindfold outside using scooby doo tactics, it was the professor and a bed sheet the whole fucking time, and you are not Bill Paxton in Twister and are scared of the wind, because if you took that blindfold off and actually saw that no one gives a fuck about a Tesla charging station, then all the people hiding inside who are for the Paris Climate Agreement, would elect a President to cancel it, and use this as an opportunity as a reset to reclaim land and possessions,  taken from us by foreign bankers, and Sandra Bullock would go outside, with her blind fold off, and with everyone dead, make a mall with a chicken fil a in it her  house, and make herself fucking president, every day robbing a different local credit union, only to realize they don’t actually keep gold at the Federal Reserve and all money is a decimal point on a computer screen now, and all extremely wealthy families in the 17 & 18000s who were here first, literally monopolized every major source of human requirements and have trillions of dollars in gold hidden on their property in bunkers, that Forbes magazine leaves off their list for Beyonces $355M dollars, to distract the American public, that actually seems relatively poor considering her & Jay Z marriage being rammed down my throat at every single Hillary Clinton rally. We are the Obamas, except we sing and dance. Instead of get funded by Saudi Arabia to attend Harvard, and a Tom Cruise scientology marriage agreement to a female version of the name Micheal. Donny and Marie, a future Vegas residency for Sonny and Cher, but more diverse. Fuck Sandra, keep your blind fold on or you won’t be able to enjoy the golden globes anymore. From the TV section in the closes Sears outlet at your outdated mall. And all they had to do was turn that catalog digital. The golden globes. When you use to watch them perfectly fine with your folks as a kid. Vegas is where all celebrities found out that DJ’s like Chainsmokers were making $50K a night to host pool parties, and decided to go instead of trying to land the Super Bowl halftime show. Instead of hosting the Oscars. Because Meryl Streep acts way too hard in her movies. Literally Steve Martin is trying to feed you a fucking chocolate croissant. Just fucking eat it. End scene. All actors have hair because they are andodrogenous and emotional.  Did you know that guys who lose their hair that it means that they have more testosterone? That is why they are so aggressive during pick up basketball games at the gym, and constantly send you over sexualized tweets about the bar last night. Yeah so I walked in Gators and I could smell the pussy in the air. Bro I fucking love every sport. Even soccer. Yeah its like watching the caravan jog all the way to the border but having to kick a ball in between the legs of patrol officers. When you get all the way to Trumps chain link fence he wants $5B to decorate with Christmas lights. If you kick the ball over the fence. Its a goal. And you get to enter the country and live here. Why do you think Brian Urlacher use to not have hair? He wanted to tackle people so bad, that it all fell out. But then he read Joe Buck’s book about his hair plug compulsion that no one got wierded out by? and he got himself a decent looking mop. Ill take the Brian Littrell from backstreet boys meets Merrill Hodge look. Notification that Mike Mayock is going to be the GM of the raiders. Fuck it. Trump is President. Condeleeza Rice gave us Notre Dame in the CFP. Fuck it bro. Slobbering always has a constant jolly rancher in his mouth flirting with Greg Olsen at the combine last year mother fucker. How big is Merril Hodges bathus going to be on ESPN live at noon on a Tuesday no one has time to tune into unless you drive for uber,  going to be.  Nobody wants to transition to NFL ESPN analyst more than Greg Olsen. No one. Not any of his failed Elite 11 QB brothers. Not Tiki Barber. His brother Rondae once gave me the Outback Steakhouse Player of the Year award in Tampa. Big ass eyebrows. Everyone is talking about Nate Burleson being on the set of CBS halftime show. When Strahan is the one making $20M a year hosting Good Morning America. He is like 1 job away from  Nick Cannon divorcing Mariah Carey to become the next Steve Harvey, and her future husband. Damn I married Mariah from the Butterfly music video on VH1 Pop Up Video. The only guy on comedy def jam who refused to curse. But not me. I am just standing there reading my phone from the lakeside. Living vicariously through google, instagram and twitter posts. Wondering if twitter is actually a gay dating service for closeted sports announcers. See you been listening to my voicemails, I mean podcast Peter. Old people still reading CNN for their news. Its not fucking news unless its a meme that is trending on Twitter. Grow up. You are at an Easter Egg Hunt, and look up from your phone at the chocolate chip cookies someone bought from the store, and brought to put on the picnic table. All you need is to add an R and you can have a totally different purpose in life. Why didn’t you just make them yourself, you think. I am not going to eat those. Fucking terrible. Who brought these fucking cookies from the fucking store and thought that they met the fucking requirements for bringing an appetizer. That is life right there bro. That plastic fucking container of store cookies. You must be a dreamer Harrison, sorry but I am a realist. Yeah, but how are you ever going to do unreal things. I am a fucking realist. Living in the real world. Not the MTV New Orleans one where that guy stole a vicodin and lied and said he didn’t, but then 10 years later died from pills. So he actually did. Yeah man the holidays were great. I know I am a realist but for 14 days out of the year I pretend Santa Clause, Reindeer who can fly, Elves who work in shops in the North Pole are real. No how about you’re such a fucking realist we cancel fucking Christmas for you. I get presents, and you get to go back to work. You don’t get to leave work early today. Jeff Bezos says that hardest part about being an entrepreneur is the extreme paranoia and having no friends. They are all busy working their real fucking jobs to think about champagne facials with Krillia in Ybiza. I get paid to spray girls tits with Champagne. Realist. I knew this guy who was a manager. He had red hair. Gods way of telling the world you sun burn easily, therefore you shouldn’t be around people who are stars. Like me. I have 0 friends with red fucking hair. And all of them love the color orange. Dead serious. Only people on the planet with an Orange Mustang, who like Orange Soda, Oranges. No one just eats oranges. You can’t go on fucking Uber eats, and there is a restaurant where you can get fruit delivered. Or even just vegetables delivered. This fucking lady told me that rich people eat fruits and vegetables, more so than meat. No they fucking don’t. Diets aren’t fucking real. The Indians didn’t see Christopher Columbus ship land at Plymoth Rock. They looked at each other. And were like who the fuck are these mother fuckers parking in our handicap space. We should go say hi. One of them is like– okay offer them an orange. They might have scurvy. After sailing 10,000 miles to America searching the world for more oranges. No they walked out of the woods with a big ass pig they had been cooking. The air smelled like Christmas Honey Glazed ham. Christopher was like — who the fuck are these people, that shits smells great. Walked up, and made sure to negotiate properly. Not for his people’s lives. Not for anything off than an opportunity to get a slice of that fucking fat ass ham. Big booty ass bitch in the club.  The other day I was sitting on the couch watching the Eagles game, and my father-in-laws friend had a napkin is his hand. With some fried chicken cut up on it. In bite sizes pieces. He said you want some chicken. And leaned in to give me some. I took one and ate it. A few more because he kept swinging back and forth. But at the same time I was like what the fuck. I don’t want your leftover fucking golden chick chicken. Then he gave me a cut-in-half bisquit he heated up in the microwave. Put it on my lap. No, no, god dammit. I don’t fucking want this either. Then I ate it. Why would he do that? Offer me that. I wish I never met this guy. Fucking terrible. He would do that to me, and put me into that position. That I basically had to take all of Americas land, except for some random territories, where they get to live, and every single member of their tribe gets to be paid $90K for life once they hit 18 years old, and can’t be taxed like Donald Trumps deal in the 1980’s. No power points for them.  Please baby, just I want you to be picture perfect so You tube doesn’t keep declining my channel art header for being the wrong size. They don’t have to do anything, just put some clothes on and chill in a permanent Sunday morning. That one t-shirt that you have with permanent arm pit stains in it. You can wash it as many times as you want. It still smells. You don’t even care. You wear it around the house to vacuum. To workout. To mow the lawn. Your wife hates it. But you just love that grey Hurley shirt. Its got this great fabric. And you are just going Mcconaughey. Every movie he is in he knows how to pick the correct scores of an NFL game.  It is why I piss with the door open so folks can hear how powerful my stream is. You fucking hear that water, thats not a babbling brook baby. Its the fucking jet setting on a hose.  Its why I carry all the shopping bags in at one time. Its why my sister challenges me to a 5K race on Thanksgiving, and I tell her. I am going to fucking murder you. Dead. You have no fucking chance to beat me. And she actually believes me. The race starts and I take off into the crowd and get lost. By a bunch of folks. Just make her keep looking forward or backward trying to find me. Where is Harrison?  But then guess what even though she runs all 3 miles in 18 minutes. She beats me. I ran them in 30 minutes. Easily. Not even tired. I don’t even run. I bike. Biking is better for your knees. But the moral of the story is that. I am a fucking champion no matter what in this situation. Because everyone was like damn Harrison just has this heart and soul that makes him just be able to things others cant. in life. Cause its not really about winning or losing. And competition is not real. None of it. Life is about being able to write great tweets. Staring off the top of a mountain peak staring at the flat earth. The clouds all around you. The sun rising up from the ocean to the clouds. The earth isn’t fucking flat, I told you. I fucking told you. Its not. That guy fucking hiked across Antartica. Proof. He did it. Okay, its not flat. It is flat. None of it matters. Two dogs barking at a fence because those kids from Sandlot keep throwing their fucking baseball into my god damn yard. I am scared I don’t want to go get the baseball man. That dog. Lives there. His tweet is scary. Bark, I mean. Great idea Peter Burns. Your deep apopalctic fantasies about Alabama. While you are training to beat them, they are training for perfection. Perfection at what. Kirk Cousins is like I need this fucking route Thielan. This fucking cut. This fucking angle. I am going to spend this whole fucking game coaching the wide receivers on the sidelines screaming. So that way my blood pressure rises, and when I have to go out onto the field I can’t read the defense, or see anything, or throw anything, because my brain is in fight or flight adrenaline mode. The fucking Clintons are going to ice pick the vein in my neck like an adrenachrome kegstand bar tap if my bleeding heart keeps fucking throbbing like dance floor club cock. Bro go jerk off at halftime so you can calm down and watch Birdbox on Netflix with me babe without trying to stick your finger up my ass every 5 minutes. I mean, date me. For once in your fucking life. Here is a tylenol PM Kirk. Lets get your resting heart rate down. So your mako shark eye covers when you are about to bite into a seal roll back down. And you can see the Japanese Fishing boat about to cut your fucking fins off for some soup. $84 million dollars on perfection. Guz Malhazan drawing plays on a white card with absolute perfect fucking lines. Perfect lines for every route, or I throw them out and text my wife. Sorry I am going to miss dinner again with the family. Yeah I am drawing plays on a card with a marker. Love you babe. She puts the phone down, and thinks to herself. My husband. His kid heart. I love him so much. He just cares so much. He draws plays on a white card with a permanent marker because he wants to win so bad. Every play has to be perfect. Tom Rinaldi texts Holly Rowe. Holly, are you done roaming the hallways at the Sheraton to live stream an interview with Dabo Sweeny. I want to do a special on Guz Malhzans practice script for Purdue. Dabo, Dabo — (fuck its Holly)– hangs up the phone with his kids. I love you babe, have a great night, yeah I gotta go. Holly wants to fucking periscope an interview with me near a hotel Starbucks. She obviously can’t tell that I am tried, since my eyes are permanently stuck half open. Actually I ate 4 gummies before getting on the team bus, and I am HIGH AS FUCK right now. Really helps in recruiting when I head down to Miami to meet with kids who parents blow blunt smoke in the face of their babies to make them stop crying. You know how during the Oregon Trail Val Kilmer from Tombstone, his mom use to rub Jack Daniels into his gums to keep him from crying. Ill be your huckleberry. He turned out okay. Quickest draw in the west. See god gives you 95% of your ability, and you spend the rest of your life searching the world for perfection. The other 5%. God gave Doc Holliday the Clemson quarterbacks throwing motion, but also a rag to consistently cough blood into. Tell em the law’s coming. Like a fever from Tuberculosis. The greatest quarterback prospect I have ever seen says Mike Ferrell’s meatball sub sandwhich now delivered by Uber Eats. It used to be Josh Rosen after the Cardinals game saying he missed being in college because he got little breaks to go to class, and hang out with friends, and that in the NFL is just football all day long. He is so smart that he says all the wrong things. Steve Wilks lost his job Monday because he let the entire franchise be held hostage by that quote. But I will tell you what man– Josh Rosen has a really engaging and funny instagram account. His grandfather who created Wharton told him to support climate change on his cleats. And our social media person at the Cardinals is the fucking best at making the cry face emoji in his comments section. You know, the team supports him not watching film but decorating the film room in Christmas lights and then getting blown out by the falcons. Nobody is drunker than Steve Keim, not Doc Holliday’s bloody hankerchief, maybe Tom Heckert. Who John Elway was too busy asking why the fuck his Autonations are not selling anymore Ford Sedans? To help try to stay sober. Sir, Ford stopped making Sedans and are only making trucks now. Who is the last person to buy one? Chad Kelly sir. But he hasn’t made a car payment in 2 months. We tried to track his location using Twitter, and it didn’t say the Jacksonville Jaguars. Because they would rather lose with Cody Kessler than win with any quarterback who has a HOF uncle that most likely gave Chad the same bloodline, but was good in the 90’s and also had a drinking problem. Marino, Favre, Elway, Kelly, Boomer, all of them. Practice and beers. Every game. Win or Lose Stevie Must Booze. Washed it down with one beer, two beers, three beers, a shot of whisky, a margarita, and a bloody mary. You want some ketchup with that ass whooping? I will tell you what I have no fucking clue what I just read.
QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Remember

QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you to remember who you are. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lessons in McKinney in Dallas. You use to have to pickup a rotary phone to call someone. Now you just sub tweet them. I am actually upstanding citizen in the local community, but look here. It says that I am a piece of shit because the one time I met Tommy Frazier I was like why do you smell like a 1 bedroom apartment. There I was throwing after agility drills in the new indoor practice facility. And Eric Crouch walks up with a football and asks if he can throw with me. The fucking Heisman trophy winner. Swimmed up to me like a dolphin at a dock on the intercoastal behind your house. Here want a fishy widdle dolphin. Your skin is so slippery. And I know you can hear me. Because every time you are in a movie with Steve Guttenberg and he is a biologist who falls in love with his partner he originally thought was just a good friend, until they drank too much wine and kissed, and then you hurt your flipper saving a teenager from a shark after he fell of his jet ski, and I just happened to be patrolling the shores in my cigarette boat, and saw it, and the kid is fine, but you are hurt, but I know how to heal flippers, just take this shot, and all I have to do is add these stitches here, and he is wiggling, hold him, fucking hold him, I am almost done, fucking hold. He needs fucking water in his fucking gills Steve or he is going to fucking die. Ah. Pulls thread, tied, done. Rolls him into the water. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay swim. Swim Flipper. Swim. Fucking swim. Flipper. Oh my fucking god. Fucking swim man. Hes not fucking swimming. Hes not fucking moving. Wiggle his tail. Swim buddy. Please. Please. Swim. (tail jiggles). Flipper. Flip.. A bigger tail jiggle. Babe, babe look he is regaining conscienceness. (full body movement). Babe. (Flipper takes off underwater). Babe, where is flipper? Where did he go? Omg where did he go? His daughter starts crying again. Flippppperrr. And then out of nowhere. Just off in the distance. Bursting from the water like a roman candle. Squisshhhhh ehe ehehe ehe flipper does a double barrel backflip just under the rising sun. We did it babe. We saved Flipper. And Henry is okay too. Good thing we have insurance on this jet ski. That was what went through my mind when Eric Crouch asked if he could throw with me. The only way to understand Trump is to heed the advice of Voltaire. Those who can make you believe uncertainties can make you commit atrocities. And I am certain Eric Never should have lost to Colorado the Friday after Thanksgiving, and let Chris Brown run for 250 yards. Hey we run the option. Thanks for getting me drafted as a WR in the 4th round Gary Barnett when in 2018 I would be the first pick in the draft as a duel threat to the Ravens. There is not much difference guys. He looks just like Joe Flacco but instead of a strong arm, has really strong ankles. When I left Nebraska, Coach Callahan called me from my High School coaches office. He said that Eric Crouch had left Nebraska too. And he came back and won the Heisman. So I should come back. But then I remembered Corey McKweon telling everyone at the lunch table he was done after the 2005 season and going straight to the pros in his pink collar T-Shirt. His sidekick T-Mobile phone Sean Hill. His personal assistant and hype man. Was like. Hell yeah man. Hell yeah. Hey, hold on, let me fix your hair real quick. Licks his finger tips and straightens one of the spikes that didn’t get enough gel that morning. You’re good. Hell yeah Corey. And when you get there I will just follow you around town like Cody Glenn makes sure that Blue Apron has the right address at all times to deliver to Ndamukong Suh meal kit delivery basil chicken and safron carrots he has to individually open each seasoning packet, and still cook himself, and part of you wonders if I should have just ordered pizza on Uber Eats because the whole point of paying more for food is so that its made and ready to eat by the time you get it, because you are busy, and don’t want to cook today, but nevermind, lets make it go public on IPO, and within days realize when your stock price tanks that a lot of other people in the country were thinking the same thing. Hey I thought I ordered an Apron off Amazon. No blue apron. A salvation army donation box you put shoes from payless in and drop off at your local church. I mean that has skirt steak in it. Hey before you eat it. Let Mike’L Severe take a picture of it and post it on all his social media accounts. Mike, whats your um prediction for the Alabama vs. Oklahoma game? Cream Cheese Jalapeno Poppers. No, Mike, not what you are eating. The game. The score. The action. What is going to happen? Tua does throw an exceptional screen pass, and also dresses and has the same haircut as Sinbad, and no one is really talking about that except Harrison. Overall I would suggest Misty’s steakhouse. God dammit. There isn’t a more arrogant media market than the Nebraska market. Folks talk about the coastal liberal elites of LA & the gangs of New York. At least they have the Illuminati, which Microsoft word made me capitalize to not consider it misspelled, its not real, and they also have Jews that are forced to sell the Clippers for a $1.6B dollar profit. Nothing says punishment like being forced to make $1.6B dollars. You should have never recorded me you fucking traitor to the NDA I made you sign that the district 9 courts says doesn’t mean anything, deleting an entire Dave Chapelle skit from his DVD collection of greatest hits. Now I have to get fucking richer. Now I have to play my guitar on team chartered plans even though the team hates it. But I am the owner, and Paul Allen is dead, and Phil Jackson made me pay him $25M to trade a Carmelo candy bar for drafting a tall machine gun Kelly. So somebody has to pretend they are Johnny Depp at the VMA’s around here. Johnny you want to play tonight. Yeah just wear the dan electro guitar around your belly button, and a Scotland Yard searching for Jack the Ripper skirt. And imagine you are playing teen spirit by Nirvana while being Mel Gibson in Braveheart. And we will just dub it out with Black Hole Sun, before giving a Lifetime Achievement Award to Chris Cornell for hanging himself for finding out all his charity work in Haiti was really just to sell kids through the Clinton Foundation.  Him and Paul Walker, and the singer from Linkin Park, Chester.  Paul Walker will only keep your adrenachrome supply chain secret under our agreement that we had when I signed my soul to you Satan. I want a real fucking role god dammit. I want something more than just constant pictures of BBQ restaurants and pulled pork sandwiches posing as local news. Something with Natalie Portman in it where she finds a forest that is really a refracted mirror, and reveals how the big bang theory cause particles of energy to give voices to animals, that make us think they are a beacon of light we run to for safety thinking its my dead husband who came back to earth to tell me one last time he loved me, and the trust is being cleaned at a reduced tax rate of 4% from 36% in panama, and to get it out soon before the Wall Street Journal finds out, only to realize its a hybrid bear and lion, and to be killed, and re-released on Netflix as Bird Box but using humans and wind instead. That can talk to you. I am not making a fucking another Fast and Furious with Vin Diesel. Who in person is actually the size of Verne Troyer. Mini Me from Austin Powers. Who died last year too.  And no one cares because the only small person who gets fucking respect in Hollywood is the guy from Game of Thrones. Which women use as a way to empower themselves through a divorce. And HBO was really just hoping to make a mideval times House of Cards, since Netflix did so well on that show, and HBO has visionary leadership, and the future is female, so lets make the one calling all the shots female, to which House of Cards called Kevin Spacey up, and was like, hey resign because Hillary is running for President, and we think folks want to see Claire in your role now, and he said, fuck you Frank Underwood is one of the greatest characters of our generation, and the illuminati said, fine Frank, I mean Kevin, and hung up the phone, and turned to their executive team, and said, hey look up any time someone has complained that Kevin has given them a massage in the last 35 years in Hollywood, and we overlooked it because he was in great movies like the Negotiator and KPAX, and use to be manageable before we let him win an oscar for American Beauty, and release that shit to E News when he is sleeping, so its at least 6 hours before he wakes up and has time to respond, and by then its too late, and then get him arrested on something suspicious to prove its been happening recently, so we have no choice but to release a statement that he has been fired from the show, but yes, it will still continue, with Claire. As President Underwood. Then have Robin Wright do an interview saying she never really met the man before. Just acted with him for 5 years straight. Never really knew him. Never had lunch together on set. And people are dumb so they won’t think that not only is the show acting, but pretty much anything that gets approved to be on camera, live on a television set, that you get to see in your living room, is scripted and acted. Hey I need you to call talk about how Kevin Spacey gave you alcohol when you were 14 at the Star Wars premier tonight. Say he tried to kiss you 25 years ago. Yes I know its your first big role in a blockbuster film, but this is more important right now to Reed Hastings.  Fuck, fine, what time do you need me there for makeup? Do I at least get to wear a Valentino suit. Yeah, and we actually are going to set up the 2019 version of money laundering using a Go Fund Me account, which only takes out 7.5% transaction fees, and no gift tax is required to the IRS, and you can donate anonymously, so expect around $500 or $600 thousand in there by the time the news cycle is up, but don’t spend it because Trump has great lawyers, actually and you will most likely have to pay all his legal fees using this money, even though we promised it to you. Everyone who donated to Stormy Daniels to revenge Trump actually ended up just paying his legal bills. We hope you didn’t buy a Ferrari. This isn’t Dumber and Dumber where you can just color one onto a napkin with a crayon and write $250,000 on there. You might want to hold onto that one. Just remember folks. How many times has Matt Damon been at a club, and sees someone try to steal a women’s purse? and accidently thinks he is Jason Bourne Identity and tries to stop him. And the guy just punches him in the face. And Ben Affleck runs away from Kevin Smiths friendship with a huge snake tattoo on his back. And Matt is laying there on the dance floor high on Studio 54 punch they use to give you at the entrance in the 80’s. Yeah, umm 2 please. Me and my date Pam. That will be $100 dollars. Here is your cup of extacy fruit punch. Here is your cup ma’am. Have a great time. But not so much that you go home with Freddie Mercury. Trump said he doesn’t drink alcohol or do any drugs. So he would just be in Studio 54 because it was kind of the socialite thing to do. To be around the celebrities and deal makers in town. and He would look at them drinking and acting a fool, and think to himself, him being sober, how easy it was going to be to savage these mother fuckers. Here’s another drink buddy. While you are sleeping in tomorrow with Kevin Spacey’s arrest warrant, I will be up on the phone at 4am reviewing the black book of secrets I jotted down from things I saw you do last night, and ensuring folks do deals with me using this as leverage. Because I am the NFL of fucking deal making. And you are the fucking Etsy Shop of deal making. I need the wall built John, or I will have digital soldiers release the art work of your brother Tony Podestas house all over 4chan.  I spent over 80 hours quilting this blanket. Here it is for $80 dollars with 2.9% payment processing taken out. Making me just over $8 dollars after supplies from Micheals, and labor for all my hard work. Thanks Algorythm for selling it for me, and not causing me to have to go flea markets, and sit in the sun, with a radio on a pop station, having to shake peoples hands and sell to them in person. Actually no seriously, thank you. That sounds horrible. Hey, do you have any aarowheads? Yes, Yes I do. Right here. .50 cents/piece. Man that is so cool. I wonder if an indian ever shot someone with this before. That moment that you realize the IPhone is just a giant app that has apps in it. How the fuck did the guys at Kodak not anticipate that cameras would evolve? Someone raises their hands in the meeting. Sir, I think cameras might be on phones soon. Oh yeah, well go fucking invent a phone with a camera then. And bring it to the next fucking meeting. Puts his hand down. People all over Linked In sharing Memes of Steve Jobs. We hire people to tell us what to do, not us tell them. Old Steve Jobs did was take acid, and listen to Bob Dylan songs. There wasn’t shit to do because there wasn’t fucking IPhones around for you to fucking tweet all day. Instead of inventing new shit, or using magnifying glasses to burn holes into leaves using the sun. Kids are just on their IPADS. Youtube Kids is the new pacifier. The apple from Adam and Eve was actually an IPhone. Tim Cook should call Uber up and say- listen bro. Listen here Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and whoever the fuck else on his fucking app store. You make even 1 god damn penny. And I want 50% or I will deactivate your shit like a light switch of our platform. Ill turn your ass into the record industry. Ask Metallica about Napster. What would they say? Actually one time Travis Kalanick during his phrase where Ariana Huffington told him he shouldn’t call an office in the building the War Room. In here motherfuckers. You best be toe steppin. An actual core value of his. We fucking code to the death. Like that movie Death Race with Jason Statham. Man your keyboards inmates. Blows whistle. Everyone fucking. Ready. On your marks. Greg, Lewis. Right fucking now. Code Nate Burlesons shitty animation podcast. Go. Clicks stopwatch. MSDOS/Nate B= Garbage= Peter King things he thinks he thinks/canceled Kyle Brandt show*NFLNetworkpregameshowonlyhiresworkplacedeviants?=+Boomer Eaison telling Bill Cowher by the coffee in the breakroom, /=>why the fuck is Nate B hosting with us? He wasn’t even a good punt returner=END. Clicks stopwatch. Greg, Lewis wins, you’re fired. Get the fuck out of this war room. Plus I just canceled your uber driver account so you can’t just easily transition into unemployment making $1300 week. Go find a job valet parking at a fucking hotel on the 2nd shift.  Don’t fucking stare at me like you’re Sean McVay and with each loss finding out why Cincinnati fired Zac Taylor? I had one fucking rule. Memory. And he couldn’t even remember the width of the hashes. Or the ending of Halloween 1. Or what Jamie Lee Curtis was crying about near the stairwell. Which was obviously just being choked by Micheal and Scared before Dr. Loomis shot him 6x off the balcony, only to find out he is not just mentally retarded in a William Shatner mask, but also has super human strength like that guy in the movie coming out Glass. The democrats told me everyone was created equal. Well we are not Travis. I am the CEO of fucking apple, and give me 50%, and stop fucking acting like an asshole using your own app and yelling at your own drivers, or I will shut your fucking whole company down, that people are going to buy stuck in once it IPOS not understanding this could happen, and will someday, and that Trump isn’t ruining the financial markets, its people giving other people $2B evaluations for a workplace chat like Slack, and then finding out snapchat filled out their IPO challenges form wrong, missing the part about paying Drake to perform at their annual Christmas party, but no one is getting fucking raises or Christmas bonuses around here. And Facebook isn’t a threat. And I want a filter where its the body of Stone Cold Steve Austin, but my face is in the beer can he is holding up to the crowd by fucking tomorrow. Or I am closing all the god damn Ron Jon Surf Shop offices I rented at Venice Beach, and moving everyone into a conveniently priced and consolidated office building with a vertical management system that John Sculley tried to implement at Apple before Steve Jobs got mad he had to wear shoes to work, and shower consistently, and was eventually kicked out, only for Travis Kalanick to accidently invent Uber Eats too, and probably come back 10 years later, with Uber being the largest company ever built on accident. In the history of the world. Zac, why the fuck did Goff just hand it off to Gurley? We do fake speed sweep reverse hand off fake, either throw the dig or check it out wide back to the speed sweep throwing offense here. guys just blitz them, each one of their hamilton scenes plays takes 8 seconds of song and dance to get off. Handing off to Gurley just makes everyone think Mark Richt was going to run a different offense than the one he had at Georgia. At Miami. Okay. We had the perfect opportunity to hire Kliff Kingsbury, or really anyone, Urban Meyer, anyone we want because we are Miami, and so I am going to release a statement as Athletic Director that Mark Richt will fire Manny Diaz on twitter, and also has to wake up every day for the next 2 weeks, and run up and down the stairwell at the College Inn Apartments, like they use to make Harrison do for insubordination. Throw to the fullback H. No. Why? Because I am not going to grow up to be Mark Richt. And have to spend every fucking Christmas on a fishing trip with Brad Johnson asking me if I want to shoot hoops because now that he is older there is nothing for quarterbacks to do except try to play pickup basketball games with Tony Romo at the YMCA even though its not safe on the knees and joints, but keeps your heart healthy and active. Yeah but my grandpa told me that I should never watch a basketball game until the last four minutes. Zac no. God Dammit. We do not run the four minute offense here the entire game. Coach, relax, I killed Sam Keller, and I know how to get rid of Goff when his contract comes up for renewal too. Don’t worry we won’t have to pay him $80 million dollars when we would get the same result from starting that kid from Oregon State who backs him up. Very good. Very good Zac. Now whats his name? or You’re fired. Fuck. Um, Dan Fouts. That is the chargers Zac.  We are the Latin Kings of LA. Not them. Yeah but he wears a backup quarterback number like 14 and Sam Darnold.  McVay is clicking around on his computer. On YouTube. Holy shit. What a throw? I need this fucking guy. Who..? Zac comes behind his desk. Who the fuck is this guy, Zac? Oh shit, that is Harrison. Harrison who? He was Nebraska with me for a season. Yeah he is way better than me at everything, including coaching and having hotter wives. That is good Zac. Very good. I am proud of you. You finally remember who you are. Now get the fuck out of my office. I have a call with Tom Shaw at 2pm. Gruden is going out of his fucking mind because no one told him the raiders were moving to London, and he is firing everything in sight. Telling everyone its personal. Part of me wishes we were moving to London so I could do the same. Looks at Zac. Zac leaves the office. Hits button under his desk. Locks the door so John Dorsey can’t walk into Hugh Jacksons office anytime he wants on Hard Knocks, and hug to apologize. Sorry about your mom, and for hiring Todd Hayley. McVay types in http://www.bang… — the computer finishes it. bros.com. Wow. This computer has got a great fucking memory.

QBLesson - Quarterback & Football

Education

QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about education. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. I have an amazing memory. Like Sean McVay on Twitter. And any coach who ever seems to be trending as a candidate for a high level coaching job does Except for Zac Taylor because in that article he said he couldn’t remember the difference between college and NFL hashes during an interview with the rams. Just saying. Your theory, not mine. Ill tell you what man. Jim Harbaugh has started a horrible trend of football hiring shitty backup quarterbacks as Head Coaches. The comeback kid John Harbaugh. Unless the Super Bowl is on the line. He just starts running the ball and pretending it means toughness. Man your Jersey is ripped you must be Scott Frost at Tennessee, and a future Safety for the Jets who someone managed to trick everyone into thinking he was a quarterback whisperer, because a ripped jersey actually means you must be fucking stupid and like not understanding protections and getting hit every fucking play. What NFL team is going to hire Nick Foles as head coach? Right Brett Favres assistant manager Doug Pederson. Jim and Scott, The least you could do is change your entire uniform at halftime like Miami head coach Mark Rich’s brother in Law Brad Johnson used to do as the Bucs quarterback. I want every snap to feel like the first snap of the game. And if god said you be anything you want. Fly like a bird. Run like a Cheetah. Throw rocks like David and Goliath and use it as a story for overcoming obstacles retold by millions of flouride stares. Anything you want Brad. Anything. God as my witness. I would choose the ability to not sweat. It makes my hands slippery when I go to throw the ball. Especially at backyard barbecues when the leather is composite. throw it to me deep. Bro I can’t, your ball weighs 25 ounces not the standard 13. But I got it from Target. Like Tommy Rees scholarship at Notre Dame. Another Ken Dorsey, Kellen Moore, quarterback who wins with his mind man. Doesn’t even need legs. He is the Professor Xavier of quarterbacks.  The one thing man, is that this guy has got a great fucking memory. Mind like Milli Bobbi Brown in Stanger Things. Number 11. You will just be in the huddle, and out of nowhere he gets a fucking nosebleed. And you are like. Oh shit, oh snap, oh fuck — this guy is about to do something realer than flat earth memes on Instagram. Flat earth is fake, that one guy with the blue check says he ran across Antartica with Lance Armstrong’s doctors on sled dogs right behind him. Yeah so I get to this one part and there is green grass. And I go wtf is this. The signs says Agartha. Says DO NOT ENTER signed by every country on earth in the only treaty where that has ever happened. I am like should I live stream any of my trip on Instagram or Twitter, or Vine, Or Facebook, or Camera. At minimum make people believe the Blaire Witch Project is real. A moment where I am standing in the corner of a cabin crying into a wall. Just you know anything. No ill just fucking post a picture of me at the end crying from the gondola lift in Breckenridge Colorado. Shaun Whites new haircut is like its snow bro. No one knows where the fuck you are when there is snow everywhere. Ask all those people who die on the highways just outside of New York City. In 200 years no one ever thought to invent roads that didn’t freeze. Except for Tommy Rees. He was about to sign up to be the first passenger on an Elon Musk Space X rocket. Hey Elon, you want to come with me. Um, no, just sign right there and you will have the space flight of your life. Trust me I have spent my entire life building practical, high up on the agenda of saving humanity type things. Like safe roads during the winter.  Tommy Rees would never let snow stop him reaching his destination. So much mind power his fucking nose bleeds during the games as he reads defenses. Knows exactly where to go on Christmas Eve. The war zone with Trump in IRAQ to visit the soldiers. Looking off Main Stream Media defenders by not using lights on the Air Force One on his way into Bahgdad. Yeah, but his twitter location gave away Demi Moores GI Jane training location. Afganistan knows she is shaving her head right now as we speak. Smart fucking cookie. 20th best QB in Notre Dame history. Plus Rees is grown up now. More mature than ever.  His name is Tom now. Not Tommy. He is different.  He left Notre Dame and sold insurance for a year or so, didn’t make any money like their Indeed Ad promises you, 150K first year, so he text Coach Kelly, who called him back from a private line, just in case later it doesn’t work out, and he doesn’t want to have to smash his phone like Tom Brady during deflate gate. Coach just use Whats App. You can delete messages for you & him. Facebook only lets Spotify read your messages. That is why you keep hearing Atlanta Zoo by Gucci Mane on your sirius XM. You kept texting the student who died in the film tower to turn on rap music to make the players like Chip Kelly more. Nothing makes me run an out route to an ice cream truck harder than Mo Bamba. I want the sonic the hedge hog with the gumball eye for 3 dollars.  Its kind of what people do now that Snowden finally made it to the free HBO Go app Direct TV gave them for singing up for NFL Sunday Ticket. You will be on a flight to Detroit on Southwest Airlines. What movie do I want to watch? Hmmm how about Snowden? Conspiracies are a hot topic these days. Did you know the kid from third rock from the sun was Russian? I mean lives there now. Get the fuck out of this god damn Embassy right fucking now or we will take your fucking cat Julian. I can assuange your ass is going to jail for revealing Barbara Bush is Aleister Crowleys daughter, and not just a lyric in an Ozzy Osbourne song. Calls wife. Honey you will never fucking believe this movie I just saw. Did you know the world is a big org chart shaped like a pyramid with Satan’s eye on top? Babe don’t take the bible literally. Satan is not real. He is just used to ground your kids for trying pot for the first time. Anyways, what would Jesus do? Jesus scores touchdowns at Notre Dame. Hey Tom, Big Tom Rees. I know you were building an empire in a small town in Ohio where everyone voted for Trump, selling brakes over at discount tire with your Notre Dame law degree you thought was going to give your own law firm. Hey come on back to Notre Dame and coach my room full of quarterbacks. I got a problem that I need you to solve. I am playing the canceled NCAA video game lots of players never got royalties for being in, and creating a player. And the only option they are giving me is this Cam Newton looking player. Which isn’t smart enough to get into Notre Dame. They don’t have a Tom Rees body type or I wouldn’t choose it. But the problem is that every time I give their arm 25 percent arm strength, and 75 percent running ability. My ideal recruit. Urban Meyers tells his assistant. You better make sure that quarterback can win the Heisman and get 125K followers on twitter for antagonizing Justin Fields. Brian Kelly says you better make sure that quarterback can probably set up Harrison’s new Apple watch at ATT one day. Anyways, my create-a-player in this game, Tom. They end up just not even being as good as our second string running back. Even though the Elite 11 said they were Charlie Ward. If I give them 99 percent arm strength, then who is going to run for a first down on 3rd and 6? Al Pacino says life is a game of inches. And my wife keeps asking me to go deeper, and I am out. Also, Ian Book is threatening to transfer because the only thing he has learned since arriving to campus is about activated charcoal for 360 waves. Gunner Kiel could have started for us, but I could tell he was taking Tylenol PM before practice. I caught him sleeping during 7 on 7 underneath his visor since he wasn’t starting. Why couldn’t he just dip like Joe Ganz. When I went to wake him he looked at me like Lawrence Taylor looking at Bill Belichek. Bill, do you want me on Tuesday or on Sunday? And since Bill was just a defensive coordinator at the time. LT just went back to sleep, and after the meeting was over, for LT, right there, cause he went back to sleep, Bill ran to Parcells and told on him. Only for Parcells to tell Bill that LT, does has a point. And after being so frustrated and not able to understand how the house and senate work. And that not even an executive order has power unless someone on twitter makes you think its to take all of Eric Schmidt from Googles assets because he secretly set up a server for Obama in North Korea. I had to just go back to my office and vow that one day when I am the Head Coach of the Patriots I will do a special on ESPN 30 for 30 where I finally tell Bill 25 years later I have been mad this entire time. Instead of just telling him that day and being done with it. And winning another Super Bowl with the Giants. Like most NFL teams fail to realize is all that you have to do to win 10 straight division titles in a row. Or set your DVR to save your marriage to Kim Kardashian on E! News. Is Communicate. Tom, lets talk. I need help. Can you come back and make sure the quarterbacks are not watching Black Panther on Netflix? But preparing for Clemson. Yeah coach, no problem. Thanks Tommy, I mean Tom. You’ll be like Mark Walhberg in the movie shooter when the CIA asks him to come back out of hiding to help solve an assassination attempt. He has long hair, and travels 5 miles through the woods and frozen tundra to set up a beer can on the other side of the canyon so he can walk his ass all the way the fuck back to the other side where his cabin is, and to set up his rifle, and practice shooting it off the stump that he left the can on. Not cans. Just one can. Because life is about the journey, not the outcome. The point of the story Tom is that he has a long pony tail when the CIA comes. But then they convince him. Yeah, you’re right. I am a great shooter. Happily living in nature in peace. Retired. Like Bill Clinton. Scandal Free and loved again. But Hillary wants to keep fucking running. God dammit. Scott Free and had to fuck with Trump for no fucking reason. Now Trump is mad and had to fake hire Robert Mueller to investigate him but really take down the Clinton Foundation, and most of Hollywood, and the Act of 1871 in Washington D.C.  Walhberg agrees, I would love to get wrapped up into a CIA manchurian candidate conspiracy hosted by Lydon B. Johnson in downtown Dallas with help from George Bush Sr. So, Look I get it. You call yourself Tom. And Mark cuts his hair. His pony tail right off. And just like that an entire time sequence of maturation has occurred. And nothing says that the times have changed like cutting your pony tail off. Trevor Lawrence will have the same haircut as Christian McCafferey by the 2020 NFL Draft. Coach, great analogy. Um, are you going to pay me real money, or do the whole you are a major division 1 coach on national television every Saturday and doing high level interviews with major sportswriters, and lots of pressure to win, but only pay me in Master Degree credits to another miscellaneous degree that I find out I still have to buy books for on Chegg. Yeah Tom, look we will give you a food stipend to the cafeteria. All the cereal you want, and french toast sticks, pancakes, milk carton eggs and overtly stiff bacon. And also we will give you. Lets do $40K. Yeah but your last QB coach made $250K. Yeah he also fucking got Everette Gholson to transfer to FSU without much political capital. The kid brought us to a National Title his True Freshman year, and I just decided his ceiling was lower than a female running for President of the United States. Even if she broke the big screen over the Cowboys field with a digital hammer someone coded into the commercial. You got a point coach. Okay, $40K is good. Great, we also got you free living in the dorms. Hangs up the phone quickly. Fuck he also asked me a 1 bedroom apartment. The strength coach in his office nervously laughs. He was just about to ask for vacation time to go to Bulgaria with Jon Gruden’s vertigo to watch a powerlifting competition everyone on Instagram thinks they are training for.  Immediately blocks his number in his cell phone so he can’t call back. Mom, coach hired me to be the quarterback coach at Notre Dame. Great son, Dan lets take our son Tom to Outback to celebrate. Brian Kelly picks up his office phone. Presses 237 on speaker. Sheryl. Forward all fucking calls from Tom Reeses Pieces. Make him have to figure out how payroll works, and his living situation, and food and all that shit. I don’t have the time on my google Calender to tell a new person I just hired how to do anything at this fucking company. I have to do an interview with Rece Davis about why there are no asians in football. And no one cares or complains. Even Dat Nyugen. Just give him a desk, and a new laptop. That should work for a few days. Btw I am meeting Justin Fields dad at a Denny’s in Baton Rouge this afternoon, and letting him know that only 2% of football players from college make it to the NFL. Yeah I know I get to fly around in an expensive private jet on tax payer money, and that I get to tell Chris Fowler why none of my quarterbacks ever get invited to the Heisman ceremony and I don’t know why I am actually even here except to be on TV and tell my favorite Lou Holtz bumble bee story that was the sole reason I got into coaching in the first place. Yeah I tell the team about colony collapse disorder all the time. No one knows why the bees are dying, or why we are in the playoffs considering the game at USC, but I have a feeling its because the playoff selection committee don’t like to work. Look the moral of this story is that,  you guys are the drone bees, and. You will wake up at 5am, a totally unhealthy time for the human body, and you will do yoga on a wrestling mat while your strength coach mocks the flexibility in your gastrocks because he is mad I declined his vacation days in ADP,  and then, and then, you will run outside to the practice fields where 3 cone drill be set up, and while Students who are getting straight A’s and performing well in school because of a great night sleep, you will compete against each other to the tune of my whistle, and Harrison will easily beat Russel Wilson in every drill because Russell is actually not good at football its just that people have never seen he is actually 5’9 in person and absolutely the worst god damn personality and joke teller the world has ever seen, and he rides his bike to school and Harrison saw him flip over the handle bars trying to go down some stairs on campus, and yelled Fagggggoottt, as his backpack landed on top of the back of his head, and it looked like he had some books in there, while walking into a class Harrison would eventually go to sleep in, but attend office hours so the Vietmanese teacher would do the test for him, so he could get a B in in it. You will fucking compete out here in the cold, no fucking flu shots for anyone. Jenny McCarthy says Ben Carson says he told Trump to say in a debate verse Jeb Bush they cause Autism. And everyone laughed and said man Trump is whacky but 2 years later people are starting to reject Flu shots more than ever because it actually might be true. Like when scientists told us there was a Gluten free diet to only later admit they were full of shit. You can actually eat whatever you want, the only real diet is just making sure you jog. Cause nothing else works but taking the time to go run. Its why everyone is unhealthy. Like the kid who died at Maryland. Because they aren’t use to actually running down a sidewalk instead of playing fortnite on their IPAD. That is literally it. I know I told your dad I would treat you like a son. And prepare you for your 2% chance to make it to the NFL, and the dad didn’t ask but what programs are you putting in place to raise that percentage point higher so more kids CAN make it. And no college AD is putting into coaches contracts required percentages for ensuring players get drafted and play a minimum of 1 year in professional sports like they do require graduation rate bonuses. You don’t need to go to the NFL son. Your families legacy doesn’t need the money to live in an economy where 5,000 dollars use to buy you a house, but now you need 400,000 dollars just live in a safe neighborhood. And as a result the illuminati also forced your mom to work so they could double the taxes on both men and women in the guise of feminism. No I am going to prepare you for life. Make you tougher. And you know what, here is some ESPN insider, and its your life, your sacrifice, if you want to take an L for the overall fam, I can maybe even give your parents an opportunity to sue the University and the coach for manslaughter that he will pay off using his consulting money Saban gave him. DJ Durkin Doughnuts whats your take on the Orange Bowl. Coach I drink orange juice in the morning because it wakes me up. Although it does have high sugar content and is technically bad for me. God dammit DJ. The fucking game you dipshit. Coach I think what you should do is this. Run four verticals every play, and just let Tua just throw it to one of them. Then on defense. I think you should tackle well. Saban hits the Matt Laurer button under his desk. The door opens. Get the fuck out of my office DJ. I might as well followed the Chainsmokers on Twitter for that god damn advice. No wonder 98% of your players never make it to the fucking NFL. At least Steve Sarkisian gifted a bottle of Johnny Walker for helping support him during the Christmas Season at the wishes of Lane Kiffin. Coach, um can you help Steve this Christmas? He just got canned at USC for joining a frat and they are garnishing his wages until his lawsuit clears. And his wife wants to go on a Disney cruise next February. Because anytime you go to book a Disney Cruise it seems like every option is a year away. But he has to make the down payment now. Can he stand on the sideline during the national title with no actual allegiance to any one person or player, and call power the entire game? Since you are firing me a month early for backstabbing you in a tweet. We must protect this house. Underarmour. Lane, if your dad didn’t invent the Tampa 2 causing the middle linebacker to void the middle of the field just because I run a fucking tight end on a post route, causing spread offenses to recruit athletes at quarterback, resulting in Johnny Manziel, Lamar Jacksons heismans, Kevin Sumlins alcholism, and me losing the national title to the NFL’s new single season sack leader. 60 fucking sacks Deshaun Watson. Then I will consider it. Let me just reach into my Santa bag of fired head coaches who no one at the NCAA ever questions me basically running a rehabilitation brothel for coaching addicts looking for a father figure. We take in all breeds here at the SPCA. Except Hugh Freeze. You know what. Tell Monte Python Kiffin great fucking job. Thanks for sending me that little stocking stuffer Kyler Murray for Christmas. Get the fuck out of my fucking office. And on your way out. Tell Butch Jones to stop looking a possum who knows where a great trashcan is at all times. Guys, you have to see this fucking trash can. This family eats Ribeyes 5 times a fucking week. Ren and Stimpy looking mother fucker. Like Mike Price at a strip club. Fucking treasure trove of meat in here boys. Lets put it on the company card. Its all fun and games. Until my dad comes outside with a Pellet gun, and I scream nooo dad don’t fucking do it. As I look through the screen window of my kitchen.  Don’t shoot that possum. Pop pop. Don’t worry son. I play running back for LSU, and this guy was just trying to buy our Nintendo Switch we posted on Craigslist. We are good. The cops talked to us for a few minutes. Said the guy shouldn’t have gotten mad we forgot Mario Kart. That Nightmare Before Christmas looking mother fucker is going to Maryland. Mike Leach to Maryland. He didn’t lock Eric Dickerson’s backup running backs son Adam James in a fucking Hocus Pocus closet, knowing his dad worked for ESPN with Trev Alberts missing person sign at Walmart, and get canned for not understanding players aren’t vacuums. Yeah but Adam sucks like one. Maryland’s Board of Regents was like, hey call Mike up we need a coach with a history of player mistreatment around these parts. Plus he has extensive knowledge about Pirates. One of the board members raises his hand. Um I am not sure that is the best choice. I think we should hire like Randy Edsall back. He tweets a John Wooden quote every day and its really inspiring. Is he using Hootesuite for time delivered pre-set tweets? IDK son, its obvious he uses BrainyQuote on google search for his material. I prefer original sin. Where the fuck is Gerald Sandusky when you need him? These Millenials are getting soft. Folks the media didn’t like our decision to retain a DJ for the funeral. So now we are all fired by Chris Cuomo. Even though Trump obviously has something on his brother who is the governor of New York. I really thought Trump being racist would have drowned this story out more quickly with Jemelle Hill being so distracted by it that she gives up generational money to share a few glasses of wine she drank on twitter. I guess you live and you learn right. Its a process. An education. You came here for a fucking education son. Not to play football or go pro. You better learn some fucking respect for your coach. I am giving you a 98 percent chance to fail. And the CEO of the NCAA thinks that is good for the bottom line. Roger Goddell thinks 1 franchise quarterback per 10 years is a great fucking idea. Quarterbacks are supposed to complete 70% of their passes, but coaches only have to get 2% of not their college, all 100+ D1 colleges, their players drafted. His first meeting. Tom Rees raises his hand like he is in elementary school. Coach, um Coach Kelly. Trent Dilfer has to work from home now because ESPN found out Steve Young hated him. And demanded he be fired. Even though they technically have the same number of rings. The ice breaker was that Trent is the only QB in history to ever get ejected from an NFL game because Jon Randle said he use to have the same haircut when he played as Dana Holgorsorn. Like Kurt Warner has the same haircut as his wife Brenda. Thats a great story story Tom. If you don’t get Wimbush to transfer by the end of bowl season.  We are shutting your fucking factory down for good, and all your friends in the community will be read about how you got benched on ESPN, again like when you played here and I had to use someone as a scape goat for Dayne Crists scholarship I wanted to give to Deshone Kizer. Jesus, Crist was another Elite 11 QB even Charlie Weis who couldn’t raise his completion percentage, even though Brian Stumpf said he was the next Trent Edwards. You’ll never be able to show your face in Tampa again to everyone who still lives there working in restaurants. Tommy pulls his hand down. Embarrassed. Thinks to himself. Was Deshone Kizer gods way of saying he thought the Vikings cut Josh Freeman too soon? But also,  Ill never forget this moment when all this hard work pays off and I get my chance to be stared down by Baker Mayfield as a fired head coach on the sideline of a team I hate thinking about my mom who just died and life is pretty rough but no one cares, and Skip Bayless thinks it cool for sake of disagreement. Its not personal, its business. Said Robin Williams. Out of nowhere his phone goes off with a twitter notification from @MikeSilver of Yahoo. BREAKING NEWS: Tommy Rees considered candidate for Liberty once the first month billing for Hugh Freeze Sprint Phone gets invoiced. I have been educated by those close to him that he has a great fucking memory. Dilfer likes the tweet. Plus once the season collapses for Notre Dame and they lose the college football playoff semi-final to Clemson. And Dabo Swinney swings a baseball bat at their playoff selection pinata party they held while everyone else had to play for a conference championship. And Brian Kelly’s nightmare gets fired for Urban Meyers dream job. Tom Rees will have no job to fly home too. and everyone will know the true meaning of Lou Holtz bumble bee story. He told on live TV. That no one at first knew was about. Until now. Remember who you are.